Most of my life, she said, I was my worst enemy. Then the cancer gave me a gift in the form of a question. It might be too simple for you…

If I loved myself, what would I do?

Notice the question has an if. It never assumes I do. Just if. So I could ask no matter if I was in pain or laughing or crying. Just if… I asked and I asked and I asked and it stopped all the behavior that impeded me. I never had to do anything. Just answer this one question.

Kamal Ravikant in Rebirth

Rebirth is the story of a pilgrim walking the Camino de Santiago. The above quote came from a conversation he had with a pilgrim he briefly bumped into on his pilgrimage. The question – “If I loved myself, what would I do?” has stuck with me in poignant and real ways.

If I loved myself

Self-care has always come hard for me. Probably because self-love was not modeled. In fact, the community where I grew up insinuated that self-love was wrong. Self-sacrifice was the thing to strive for instead. “Love your neighbor” was propped up on something else instead of the “as yourself” bit.

But the thing I have come to learn later in life is that loving your neighbor is shallow and trite if you do not first love and care for yourself. I know from personal experience that the “love” for others can slowly turn into hate. All my good intentions, self-sacrifice, and service sent me spiraling into depression and compassion fatigue because I did not know how to love and care for myself first.

The question, “If I loved myself, what would I do?” is especially relevant in times of crisis and high stress. Let me give you an example.

Loving myself in stressful times

I have trouble sleeping well in the best of times. Maybe it’s midlife hormones creeping up on me and causing havoc. I don’t know. But normally when I wake in the night I soon fall back asleep when I meditate and focus my breathing. Lately, however, that has not been working.

I find myself waking out of a deep sleep to the sound of a nonexistent alarm. Instantly I think of my son on the West Coast, struggling to get groceries and find work after his film studies program was shuttered. I worry how we will pay the bills now that sales have all but ground to a halt. A million worries and questions dance through my brain and I try to take deep breaths, but somehow there is no depth to them.

So the other night, as I lay in the quiet darkness, I let this question play itself out in my head.

“What would I do if I loved myself?”

In that moment, I realized I needed some self-care. So I spoke to myself and calmed myself down. My fears were irrational. I reminded myself that I was in a safe place. That I didn’t have to take care of anyone. There was nothing I needed to fix. I could just be. As I let myself sink into the softness of my bed, the fears drifted away and I was soon back asleep.

This morning I answered the question by leaving the house and taking a walk in the rain. Normally I hate walking in the rain, but today it soothed me. As an introvert stuck at home with some wonderful yet loud extroverts, caring for myself has become a challenge.

Now that school has shut down, coffee shops, the gym, soccer, tennis, high school club and all the normal hang out places for my extroverts are no longer an option, we are all home. Pretty much all the time. The heat has all but been turned off in our office building so every day we are bringing more things home to be able to work from home. Our tiny house is bulging at the seams and we are making it work. Yet I am feeling the strain of it. The only time I truly feel alone is walking out in the park. Or sitting in a chilled office building.

Surviving the crisis

As the world is in crisis mode, with COVID-19, stress levels everywhere are through the roof. All of us have things on our plate that we didn’t ask for. Fear and stress tend to find their way onto our plates as well, even if we don’t want them to. But we are not helpless creatures. We can keep asking the question – “If I loved myself, what would I do?”

It might mean getting outside and taking a walk. For some of you, it may mean staying at home to protect your health instead of letting life continue as normal. Letting a friend pick up some groceries and drop them on your porch. It may mean that you stop trying to take care of everyone else and give yourself whatever care package you need. Maybe you need to turn off the news and give yourself a break from social media. And in the answering, we can find the ways to not only love ourselves, but to let the ripple effects spread out to our family, our neighborhood and the community at large.

I’ve seen people shine this week, by doing something they love and are good at, and sharing it with the world. Playing live-stream guitar and taking requests. Reading a book aloud on Facebook Live. Painting and creating art. Local businesses creating care packages of ice cream or sandwiches and offering delivery.

You might think that this crisis is bringing out the worst in us. And it may be doing that for some people. But I see it bringing out the best in us. Especially in all who are brave enough to answer the question.

“If I loved myself, what would I do?”

Because loving myself is not a selfish thing. Done well, it preserves ourselves, our homes, our communities and the earth itself.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.