In my last post, I talked about how knowing my self- worth was an important key to staying in my marriage. Truly knowing and embracing my self-worth has not only helped me to look at my marriage holistically, it has also changed the way I view my body.

This has taken a lot of work. I had to recognize the lies I carried with me since middle school that told me I was disgusting. I cannot tell you how much I identified with Toula in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It was a long and painful process, to replace the lies with truth. To actually see myself and then to let myself be seen.

Body Image

I was in my mid forties before I valued myself enough to face something that had always bothered me about myself. My crooked teeth. I cried big ugly tears on the way home from my first orthodontist appointment. Not because of how much it was going to cost – though that was reason enough to cry! But because I never felt I was worth that cost. Faced with the reality of more teeth breaking as I aged due to the crowding in my mouth, along with the painful self-awareness when I smiled, I was finally ready for change.

Embracing my self worth in this way brought initial discomfort as my teeth had a lot of moving to do. But seeing my teeth begin to straighten has been totally worth it. A few days before my 47th birthday, I was finally able to look in the mirror and see the smile that my heart had always been smiling, even when my body couldn’t.

I needed to take this drastic and costly step to reinforce in the depths of my being, that I am worth it.

Embracing age

Another body decision I recently made was to stop dying my hair and embrace the silver that has been trying to be seen for nearly a decade now. I realize that for some, covering up the silver may be essential to embracing your self-worth. That is okay. But for me, I felt a wise old crone waking up inside of me and this is how I wear her in my waking life.

It’s been nearly a year now since my last color was applied. I have lots of silver spilling out the top in contrast with my dark ends. It makes me wish I would have never started dying my hair. That I would have always embraced this part of who I am. But it is what it is. And from here on, the silver is my friend.

And can we talk about wrinkles for a minute? I haven’t fought these too hard. Somewhere along the line, I decided I had earned them. That they are road maps to a life well-lived. I look down at my hands sometimes and I’m beginning to see my Grandma’s hands. And that gives me a lot of joy. I remember her, with her silver waves and piles of wrinkles, and her heart of love. If I’m turning into her, I’m okay with that.

Embracing your journey

There is no journey towards wholeness that is the same for two people. The things that represent health and wholeness for me will probably not be the same things that you need to do on your journey. Your journey must be uniquely yours. In her book Belonging, Toko-pa Turner says

The only antidote to perfectionism is to turn away from every whiff of plastic and gloss and follow our grief, pursue our imperfections, and exaggerate our eccentricities until the things we once sought to hide reveal themselves as our majesty.

Toko-pa Turner

Keep digging and sifting until you find the things that are your majesty. The world needs grace and beauty that only the shape of you can fill.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.