Posted on by palmtreemomma

Promises of Love

Soon after I re-entered the dating world, posts and reels began to come across my feed. Promising to provide the magical words to say to keep a potential partner interested. Words to say if they were pulling away and you wanted them back. Words that would tie them to you forever. So that the right person would fall in love with you forever.

These ads all started with an alluring story or a glittering promise. Enough substance to pull me in and make me read to the end of a very long post, only to discover I had to sign up for a course. Or buy a book.

It was all very glittery and compelling. Especially after a particularly disappointing interaction that ended with me being ghosted by a guy I really liked. So I began to question who I was and how I was showing up. I didn’t know what I was doing. The dating world I discovered in my 50s was not at all like it was in my 20s. And here were all these experts who had a magical answer. A golden key to quickly help me find the person I was looking for.

Magical words

I confess I even broke down. Bought a book in the middle of a long night when I couldn’t sleep. Read the whole thing. Only to find more promises if I bought a few more books. Without giving me the magical words the author had so clearly promised in the beginning.

I was a lot more skeptical after that. Decided I wasn’t going to spend any more money on false promises. Dated a couple more guys and suddenly I was very glad there weren’t any magical words in that first book. Because all it took was a little time and one guy who had a lot more character for me to realize that all the ones who had let me down were clearly not the ones for me. And if I had taken the advice of all those expensive love advisors, I would have ended up with the wrong person. Not to mention an empty bank account.

True love

Here is what I discovered about love. When you have gone on a healing journey and love the person you have become. Let go of the past and forgiven those who wronged you. When you are truly standing in wholeness and are living in authenticity, finding love is not an exhausting mind game. You don’t have to present yourself just right. Or find magical words to say. You will naturally attract the right person to you.

And the right person will fall in love with the real person you are, without even trying.

This is not to say that there’s not good advice out there. Or that it doesn’t matter how you present yourself. But today’s dating culture is furiously full of mind games. And there are lots of traps along the way. That cost time and money and slowly chip away at your confidence.

It doesn’t have to be this way. If you are one of the brave ones who has put yourself back out there, I want to encourage you that there is hope. You can buy books and sign up for magical love classes but beware of anything that promises an easy path to love. Or makes you play a part in a mind game.

Attracting love

Focus, instead, on becoming the person you want to be. Build a life that sustains you. Learn how to feed your own hunger and dry your own tears. Embrace who you are with love and tenderness. Dig deep into healing. Do the hard work of becoming the best version of yourself. And keep doing it, no matter how many people swipe right or left on you. Be willing to wait for one who checks all the boxes. Don’t settle for crumbs when you deserve a whole feast.

And if you’re left hanging.

Alone.

Again.

Let them go. You will never have to beg the right one to come back.

The right one will love you effortlessly. And you will find a kind of magic that defies logic and heals all the tired scars in your beautiful soul that you have mended and tended to for all those years on your own. The right one won’t keep you up at night, wondering how you should respond or feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. You will be able to relax fully into who you already are.

Because the right person will fall in love with the real person you are, without even trying.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Two Things

I was talking with a friend recently about her husband’s betrayal and realized again how two things can be true at the same time. I don’t know if you have ever experienced this type of betrayal or not. But if you have, perhaps you felt like I did. That you must not have truly been loved. Or valued.

For me, the betrayal made me question everything good that I had ever believed we had in the relationship. Made me doubt that I had ever been loved. Made all the good memories nearly unbelievable. Undermined every single aspect of our relationship.

But somewhere along the way, I had the realization that two things can be true at the same time. You can be truly loved by someone and betrayed by them. Your partner can be genuinely attracted to you and attracted to someone else at the same time.

two things can be true at the same time

We are not all wired the same way. For some of us, this concept just does not make sense. And we would rather cheat on our own self then cheat on our partner. We find it more palatable to sacrifice pieces of our own self and our happiness, rather than disappoint or hurt the other person.

Which leads to another hard truth that I have had to admit to myself.

I cheated on my self before I was ever cheated on.

cheating on myself

Let me say that again for all those in the back who didn’t catch it the first time.

I cheated on my self before I was ever cheated on.

What I mean by this is that I was not true to my own self long before my partner was not true to me. Looking back from this vantage point, it’s so easy to see. How many times I sacrificed good and necessary parts of myself because I wanted to make my partner happy. Wanted him to have a life where he could thrive. Because I believed that love and sacrifice were synonymous. That love cost everything and was, in many ways, painful.

Which leads down a rabbit hole of religious trauma and a god who brings pain and asks so much of me that I loose my will to live. But we are not going down that rabbit hole today.

My point is, I betrayed myself before I was betrayed. Because I thought that is what love it about. Completely abandoning myself for the sake of another. And in reconciling all of these painful truths, I realized that two things can be true at once.

duality

He cheated on me and broke my heart. And I cheated on myself.

He betrayed me. And he loved me.

He wanted to be with me. And he wanted to be with someone else.

He was with someone else. And it had nothing to do with any lack within me.

The list could go on and on. But I hope you get the point. And, if you are struggling with a betrayal of some kind, I hope it is helpful to you to realize that two things can be true at the same time.

It has helped me to let go. Relax the corners of my mind that like to hold on to certainty and logic. That fixate on one aspect and cannot see anything else. I’m learning to relax into the flow of life instead. Without having to understand everything. Or control outcomes. Because my new vantage point has given me the beautiful perspective of a new start. One that has given me the opportunity to build a life that is true to who I am. One where I am committed to never betraying my self again. A life that is true to the core of who I am. So I can be all I am meant to be

So I acknowledge the strange duality that has made itself known to me. While relaxing into the ancient wisdom of my body and learning new ways of being in the world. Handcrafting a life that honors all the things this body craves and needs to flourish.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

The Gift

Perhaps the most beautiful thing that comes from having your life completely shattered is the chance to rebuild. Weaving together people and places, values and practices, with deep intention. In many ways, I feel like I have truly been born again. At 50, I’ve been given a chance to create something I was not ready to create all those decades ago when I thought I had all the answers.


The gift of starting over was not always seen as a gift. Nor has it been easy. But after the ashes settled and the tears dried, I came to realize that there is something incredibly beautiful and powerful about choosing the life you want. Crafting it with deep intention. I’ve come to realize how powerful the mind is. And how much I have limited myself in the past. By defining my worth based on the reality I perceived rather than defining my reality by the things I know deep within my psyche.

you can do hard things


When my kids were younger and would come to me, complaining about something difficult in their lives – usually some task I had asked them to do that they did not want to do – I would agree with them. Yes, it’s hard. But then I would remind them of this. You can do hard things.


You see, the things we tell ourselves are powerful. And with our beliefs and our words, we can either put obstacles in our own path. Or we can clear the path for ourselves. Or create a new path around the obstacles. For better or worse, our words and beliefs can become self-fulfilling prophecies.


For example, if I tell myself something is going to be hard, it will most certainly be hard. But if I change the narrative and remind myself that I can do hard things, I am much better equipped to face the challenge head on and emerge feeling better about myself than before.

keeping it real


One area where this is currently showing up in my life is on the dating apps. So yes, to all of you who have been wondering, I am putting myself out there again. And I can affirm that every time I have complained that the dating apps suck, they suck even more. On the other hand, when I have truly believed in my own worth, some pretty interesting things tend to unfold.

While I’m sure you would love to know all the juicy details, for now I will tell you that I am learning a lot. And having fun in the process. I may or may not meet the man of my dreams on an app. But one thing I know for sure is that every conversation I have. Every person I meet up with. Is all a part of a beautiful exchange that is teaching me so much. About myself. About the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Giving me a chance to practice speaking up for myself. Setting boundaries. Stepping even more fully into my power.


Oh I’m collecting some pretty good stories along the way and perhaps one day I will regale you with them. I’ve also had my heart broken and felt old wounds ripped open again. But I’m standing taller than ever before. Because I know myself even better than I did before these stories unfolded in my life.


I met myself in 2023. And it was glorious. Life changing. And I am done giving my heart away for crumbs of affection. I’m holding out for the whole damn feast. There are no failed relationships. Only stepping stones to a better one.

unleash your power


So is it hard putting yourself out there again at 50? Hell yeah. But I can do hard things, and so can you. It’s scary, but that means I get to practice being brave. It’s also fun, beautiful, and empowering. And I get to meet so many interesting humans.


For those of you who find yourself in a situation that you know is not right for you, but you are too scared to leave, let me remind you of this. Darling, you can do hard things. Life is too short to survive on crumbs when you could have a feast. And you have all that it takes to get yourself out of your stuck place. The resources for that glorious feast are all around you. Break out of the prison you’ve let yourself be trapped in, for the key is already in your hand. Unclench your fists and breath in the love that has never and will never let you go.


Then live. Like never before. With intention. Clarity. Purpose. Unleash the power of your mind by believing in your worth. Never settle for crumbs when there is an entire feast waiting for you. Believe.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Mixed Orientation Relationships

I have heard many times that our story gave hope to couples in similar situations. So I imagine that the ending of our marriage has brought up a lot of questions for some of you regarding your own relationship.

I still believe that mixed orientation relationships can work. Just because ours did not work out in the end, does not mean yours will not. I think, however, there are some key factors to consider, which include honesty, authenticity, and integrity.

honesty

If you want the best chance of your relationship working, experience has taught me that honesty is vital. Learn to be honest from the beginning. It is not fair to your partner if you hide this part of yourself. They deserve to know the real you. Every day you hide it, it becomes a bigger piece of negativity between you because you wouldn’t hide something you believed was positive in your life. And if you can’t see it as something positive in your life, perhaps any relationship should be put on hold until you heal this relationship with your own self. This duplicity sets the stage for both of you to have a hard time accepting it when it does come out.

And it will eventually come out in some way, shape, or form. When you hide something, it’s still there. And the amount of energy you expend to suppress it will take a toll on your relationship.

In the months leading up to when Austin came out to me, I knew something was going on. Could feel it. Our relationship was not in a good place. Something was there, but I just didn’t know what it was. As hard as it was to know the truth, a sense of relief came with it. I was glad to finally know what was going on.

But I have always wished he could have been honest with me from the beginning. I deserved to know this vital part of him. And I deserved to decide for myself whether I wanted to be in a mixed orientation marriage or not.

The other piece of advice I have for those who are on the fence about coming out to your partner is in the form of a question. A question that comes from the assumption that your hesitancy is borne from fear that you may loose your partner if you are honest. I understand that there may be many other reasons for your hesitancy. But my question is this.

Do you deserve to be with someone who loves and accepts all of you? Perhaps, in your fear, you are selling yourself short. If your partner cannot handle the truth, are they really someone you want to be with? Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

If you are out to your partner, honesty is just as vital in your relationship. It plays a key role in navigating tough topics such as expectations and needs regarding monogamy, open relationships, and so much more.

That being said, I understand that there are reasons why some choose to never come out to their partners. In the end, you have to do what is best for you and I cannot judge you for that. This is simply my perspective as a former straight spouse.

Authenticity

While honesty has to do with revealing who you are, authenticity is more about becoming who you are meant to be. It is about creating a life for yourself that flows instead of being forced or hidden. Authenticity is about embracing all that you are and bringing forth the light and love that is in you. It is about working on yourself. Not to fit into a mold of some kind. But working on yourself to be the very best person you can be. It requires honesty. But perhaps it is an honest answer to the question of how you can best love yourself. It is digging in and getting to the core of the beautiful soul that you are and embracing it.

If I were a flower, honesty would be saying that I am a rose. Authenticity would be building the best flower bed possible and filling it with nutrient dense soil so that the rose bush can flourish.

Your relationship will only flourish to the level of your authenticity.

integrity

Honesty and authenticity set the stage for the best possible relationship. But integrity is about the way you handle yourself as you dance on that stage. It’s about being in alignment with your truth. Keeping the promises you made to your self and each other. And having the courage to look at those promises if they are no longer working.

Integrity is how you present yourself. It’s showing up as the best version of yourself, whether anyone is watching or not. And it is about never forgetting that the best moves in this dance of life are only possible on the stage of honesty and authenticity.

equality

One more thing worth noting here is that the needs of each of you are equally important. If one of you is suppressing needs because the other can’t or won’t honor those needs, it will be impossible for your relationship to flourish. It is not enough to put in the work to make the other person happy, if your own needs are not being met.

This is where some tough conversations may come in. Keep honesty, authenticity, and integrity by your side. Be brave enough to ask the hard questions. Are you able to give your partner what they need and still be in integrity with yourself? Can your partner truly give you what you need, if they wish to remain authentic?

In the end, for us, it wasn’t really about the cheating. Yet the cheating acted as a wake up call and showed us where we were not living in alignment with these core principals of honesty, authenticity, integrity and equality. There were areas we both needed to be honest about. There were things each of us needed in order to live in authenticity. And we reached the point where we could not provide those things for the other and still be true to ourselves.

For us, returning to honesty, authenticity, and integrity allowed us to navigate the ending of our marriage in the best possible way. Without bitterness or hatred. These practices did not negate the grief or sadness, but helped us, rather, to navigate through all the feelings that came up.

No matter what type of relationship you find yourself in, I hope you will be brave enough to show up honestly, authentically, and with deep integrity. It is the best gift you can give yourself.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Sparkles in My Pocket

I love the early morning quiet. The sky barely awake, slowly dipping a toe out from under the covers of night to let the first rays of pink softly peak through. This morning I was the only person visible for a good half mile. Bare toes kissing the sleepy sand beneath my feet under the Quarter Moon sky.

These early morning rituals keep me grounded. Remind me of my place of belonging in the glorious scheme of life. And of my power to create the life I desire to have.

Perhaps I needed my life to completely break apart in order to fully realize that I don’t have to keep following the scripts that were once handed to me. Scripts that were intended to keep a system alive and well. But had very little to do with keeping me alive and well. I see that now.

Yet I have no regrets for the life I have lived to this point. And I have embraced the shattering that came to me because it brought me things I didn’t even know I needed.

shifting

This blog began as the story of my life as wife of a bi guy. And while that is no longer the platform of my life, it is still true that I once was the wife of a bi guy. And like the beautiful bits of shells that inevitably make their way into my pockets when I walk the beach, the past 25 years have left me with pockets full of sparkles. There are still so many words left for me to weave together so here we are. Starting anew in some ways.

I’m still here and I don’t need to be married to have legitimacy or a voice. I’ve laid down that script. And if you have followed my blog for the past few years, you will know I’ve been on a journey of self-realization. I’ve discovered my worth, while navigating the feelings of not being enough.

So now that the boxes are all unpacked and this house in Georgia has turned into home, let me pull out one of the sparkles in my pocket to share with you.

loss

There is much about uncoupling that I hope to eventually write about. But for now, I want to encourage you if you are sitting in a place of questions, filled with uncertainty and loss. Hang on. This is normal. Inevitable. It is a season and you get to set the tone for it.

Loss hollows us out with its sharp and cruel edges, carving huge chunks out of us. Our natural response is to try and fill that void. Anything so we don’t have to feel that pain and emptiness. The harder path here, is that of listening to the pain. Sitting in the void. Acknowledging and bearing witness to it.

Unclench your hands and hold them over your heart instead. Let your palms listen to your heartbeat and remember that life is pulsing through you. Feed your soul instead of working yourself into a frenzy trying to stop the pain and fill the void. Don’t avoid the questions, for they are your roadmap to a place where you will be able to breathe more deeply and see clearly again.

The void always has a gift, if only we are willing to still ourselves long enough. Be brave enough to fully face it. Quiet enough to really listen. For in the center of the loss, there is a piece of you. The you that you will be when this is over. If you run from this loss, fill the void with glitter to distract or numb, you will miss ever meeting that glorious piece of you.

I see the sparkle that you will be again someday. Steady on, dear one. You got this.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Re-finding Home

Getting into my car for the long ride to Georgia was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We had just spent our last weekend together with a circle of friends. They lovingly surrounded us and led us in a quiet ceremony to mark the ending of our 25 years together. After tying our hands together they had us sit facing each other. We each spoke words of love and letting go to the other. Then they untied our hands and had us sit back to back to show we are now supporting each other, as they sang a beautiful song over us. A song about coming home.

We had one last day with the kids. Sharing coffee, laughter and cinnamon rolls. Hiking around the lake and cooking dinner together after loading my car for the move to my new home.

We said goodbye under the glow of the full moon as it hung low in the newborn light of morning. Though my car was packed to the brim, I found room for a box of tissues. Which I would reach for many times along the way.

As the day stretched long, my tears lessened. By the time I reached the South Carolina line, something shifted and the air began to smell like home.

By late afternoon I had crossed into Georgia where the palmettos and live oaks sang to me. A song about coming home. I pulled into the driveway of my new home, exhausted but relieved, and found the keys my agent had left for me. After a quick peek at the house, I unloaded everything. Then headed to the nearest Target to buy cleaning supplies so I could quickly sweep and mop the floors before unrolling my mat for the night.

home

First thing the next morning, after a cup of dark, rich coffee, I drove out to the ocean and felt the weight of a thousand decisions and worries roll off my shoulders. The gentle waves a welcoming gesture from mother earth. I knew deep within my bones that I was finally home.

The betrayal still hurts at times. And I have moments of confusion and overwhelm in a new city. But I have no doubt that this is where I am meant to be for this next phase of my life. I will always remember the precious love of people and places that were home to me for the last phase of life. But right now, I have found a place of belonging here. Near the ocean where I often see dolphins playing in the water, their sleek bodies gracefully arching above the waves as I stroll the shores. Some mornings the ocean greets me with big beautiful shells and always with the laughter of her waves.

I came to this place alone. And yet I am finding that you are never truly alone when you are at one with yourself, the earth, and her creator.

synchronicity

There is an interesting phenomenon at work. So many things are unfolding for me with striking synchronicity. I met a new friend whose story mirrors my own. I have found lovely pieces of repurposed furniture that feel like they were designed just for me. I’ve been warmly welcomed by neighbors and total strangers. Housewarming gifts sent by dear friends. So many things falling into place in ways I could not have imagined.

And yet, these things didn’t just happen. I had to get into my car, alone, that morning in late May. And before that, I had to make some really hard decisions.

The last few months have been a blur of filling out paperwork and dividing things. Turns out that even an amicable divorce isn’t easy. Not that I ever thought it would be. But at every turn there were more decisions to be made, signatures required, boxes to be filled, exhausting conversations, and letting go.

There have been moments of sheer terror. So many people have told me that I’m so strong. That I’m teaching them how to be brave. I guess brave looks like bursting into tears at the sight of special mementos and then dividing them up and packing up your share. I suppose strong can look like curling into a fetal position and holding yourself tight and then sitting at your computer to set up the electric service in your new home.

Being brave and strong does not mean being a person who does not feel terror, grief or loss. It means you feel all these things, but keep following the path anyway. Because you know in the deepest part of yourself that this is the only way home.

Re-finding home

Being so open and vulnerable with our story has put us in the position to be safe people for others who are going through something similar. And there are many folks out there that are not ready to loose the only home they can imagine. Even if the relationship is all but lifeless. It’s truly terrifying to leave the familiar, even if the familiar is a painful or impossible situation. I get it. Have struggled long and hard with this.

Whatever your situation, if you are self-aware and doing the inner work, you will know if you are truly “home” right now or not. And if you are not, but want to be, if a quiet barefoot back-roads bluejeans kind of country girl can do it, so can you. But if you wait until you are no longer afraid, you will never do it. Courage is hearing a new song about coming home and then getting up and following it while you are still afraid. Bravery is all about shaking with fear but doing it anyway.

Not all of us were born turtles, with our forever home attached to our back. But we can all learn to swim towards the people and places that are singing us home.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Re-shaping

a family that is re-shaping itself

Twenty five years ago we spent the day smiling for photos, saying “I do”, serving burritos and six different flavors of homemade cake to our guests. The day was full of funny stories, delicious flavors and our favorite people. We walked out to our borrowed car at the end of the day, jaws aching from smiling so much. Sure that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

Today we spent the day sorting through our attic, dividing up mementos from these last twenty five years. We laughed at some of the silly things we saved and shared many “remember when” stories. It was bittersweet. When I opened the box of Christmas decorations and pulled out the handmade Kantha stockings that represent each person in our family, I fell apart for a bit. All the love we have in this wild and wonderful family came rushing in and it’s hard to imagine this change.

But this change does not make us a broken family. We are just a family that is re-shaping itself. This doesn’t mean we failed. Or fell short. We both poured our hearts into this beautiful family. And have no regrets. Instead we hold so much love and gratitude for what we’ve had and will continue to have. Just in re-shaped ways.

crumbling

Each of us will have moments in life where the things we have built will crumble in one way or the other. Crumbling doesn’t mean failure. It’s not the end of the world, even though it may feel like it for a long time. Crumbling, while incredibly painful, is also a gift. It is the opportunity to re-shape our life. To discard ways of being that have not served us well. And to build again in ways that honor the deepest, truest parts of ourselves.

Twenty five years ago, we built a life together using the tools we had. We did the best we could and crafted so much beauty and joy. But we have learned so much about ourselves along the way. Faced our own deep pain and traumas. Given each other a safe place to heal. And the healing we have found has changed us each in ways we could not have imagined. We are not the same people that said “I do” twenty five years ago.

If we had remained the same people that we were when we started this journey, we would have failed. Success is not a state of being; it is being present in the journey of wholeness. It is staying with the journey, not an ideal. And our journey has brought us to a place where our paths are separating.

bittersweet

The past couple of weeks have been full of practical steps towards this separation. We agreed on an attorney and filled out paperwork to start the legal process of divorce. We’ve started the task of physically going through the house and dividing up things. I’m looking at houses in a place I have wanted to move to for a very long time. We’re figuring out how to keep running our business and so much more.

It’s a time of both sadness and happiness. A time of remembering and looking ahead. It’s full of feelings and emotions, laughter and tears. It’s bittersweet in the best of ways.

I never imagined that this would be me. But the life I imagined didn’t turn out the way I expected so now I get to re-imagine. Relocate. Rebuild. In so many ways, my worst fears have been realized. And I didn’t die like I thought I would. I’m still here. Stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been before.

Don’t be afraid of the crumbling. Re-shaping your life might end up being the best gift you could receive.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Tomb or Womb

There’s a heaping pile of pressure on women in patriarchal cultures. Many of us learn from early childhood, to clean up messes we did not make. As quickly and quietly as possible. Trauma has caused some of us to even anticipate those messes. Metaphorically speaking, we walk about on our tiptoes, broom and dustpan in hand. Waiting and ready for the next mess. We never allow ourselves to live our own lives. Instead we focus on keeping things neat and tidy for everyone else.


This pressure is magnified in subcultures, such as the Conservative Mennonite culture I was raised in. It’s been some time since I left that culture. Yet, like a tattoo on my shoulder, it’s never completely left me. And that’s not all bad. There has been much good to come out of my upbringing. But in times like the present, I feel a hundred pairs of eyes looking at me. Expecting me to do what I was taught. To swallow my feelings and forgive my husband and throw all my efforts into saving this marriage.


There’s no space for the necessary in-between. The dark, ugly, messy, UN-knowing space. Where one can’t see the end. Where it’s so dark you can’t see a thing at all. Not even your own hands waving in front of your face. You can only feel what you feel. Where you give yourself permission to forget about the end result. And you breathe in the air of the darkness around you until you realize you’re in a womb, not a tomb.

The Womb

I feel like I'm being born again
This awful infidelity
giving me
a fresh start.
A chance to create
the life I want. 
Set my own terms.
Burrow into all the
cracks and crevices
of my tired
worn out life. 
Find all the things
that no longer serve.
Give them a boot
kick them out the door. 
Yes it's painful to see
these ashes.
But they speak to me
of new beginnings.
And I get to choose
my path forward. 
Carve a place
that has room for 
all of me.


This obsession with rushing to get things back to picture-perfect normal is killing us. It’s not life-giving or loving in the least bit. Cleaning up messes we did not make, serves no one but those in power. Rushing to forgiveness so that the other person can come home to you, means you may never get to truly come home to yourself. Quickly fixing things to make the other person comfortable means you may never truly be comfortable again.

Learning to be okay with a period of uncertainty and ambiguity is proving to be life saving for me. It’s giving me a much needed pause from the way my life has been. Allowing me to rest and be. Simply be.

And as I rest, realizations come to me. Rising slowly to the surface where I can sift and sort through. See with clear eyes the things that no longer serve me. Knowing deep in my core that as I learn to fully come home to myself, the rest will eventually fall into place.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

When the Light Dims

Standing at the ocean’s edge, I feel like a woman who has lost everything. I am as worn and diminished as the grains of sand beneath my feet, desperate for a tiny scrap of light to break through the clouds. Needing a sunrise like I have never needed one before. It is one of those mornings when it is hard to tell where my tears end and the gray mist begins. This was me in mid-October…

going silent

Let me back up a bit. I know I’ve gone silent. Pulled into myself like a turtle who needs to hide for a bit. As much as I love words, they fled from me. Vanished. Refused to be crafted. I feel like a woman who has lost everything, even my words.

And I suppose it was a good thing, to be left alone with raw and wild emotions. To fully feel them before I tried to express them in a way that can even begin to make sense.

Yet, even now, these words are getting in the way of me going back to where the story of this grief journey began. Back to October. Back when the leaves were in their riotous dance of color and the sky still held enough blue to make one stop and stare in wonder.

Days that reminded me of the moment, twenty five years ago, when I knew Austin was finally going to ask me out. It was a perfectly glorious Fall day in Brooklyn and I had gone on a long walk to process this news that seemed to good to be true. Feet crunching through piles of bright yellow leaves, giddy with excitement, I felt seen and loved in a way I never had before. And the whole world looked different because of it. More alive. Bright with a hope that lingered on every street corner and whispered through the few city trees. Even the light itself seemed golden and alive.

Broken bits

And now, twenty five years later, I discover that he broke our agreements. That I wasn’t the only one he chose to be intimate with. This October, as my feet crunched through piles of bright yellow leaves, I felt as if I’d been shattered into a thousand pieces. While rain dripped down the cheeks of my city, I stumbled in a world gone dark.

I took a week to go to the ocean and grieve. To be alone and think. To move out of shock and begin to process what this means. And I still don’t know what all of this means. I do know that the world has gone very dark and much of what I thought I knew is now as uncertain as the ice on an Ohio lake after the first spring thaw.

listening

One thing I do know is that I am not going to clean up a mess that I didn’t make. I’m not jumping to fix things. I’m developing a practice of listening. Listening to the little girl inside who is surprising me with her insight. Listening to wise and trusted friends. Leaning into the wisdom of my therapist. I am holding my kids the best I can. They may be grown but they’re hurting a lot right now too.

I’m also listening to Austin, curious to know why he cheated on me. It took me a while to get to a place where I can truly listen without being constantly triggered. We are having deep and vulnerable conversations. It’s hard work and often painful. But we are not hiding our truth from each other.

There is much that I’m holding close and not sharing publicly right now. Truth is, I love Austin and have always believed in him. I have no desire to smear his reputation and I don’t feel a need to share details. But I’m sharing this here because you deserve to know there’s been a hard twist in our story.

Please hold our family in as much love and grace as you can. We are all so broken right now. I ask that you honor our privacy. Give us time to grieve the collapse of life as we knew it. The future, no matter what we decide to do or not do, will be difficult.

And, in case you wonder, after a long walk under a gray sky, this amazing ribbon of orange light shone through and reminded me that darkness is not forever.

You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

My Mother’s Daughter

Have you met my mother's daughter? 
hair pulled tight to keep 
ears from sticking 
out too far
slicked back with
dippitydoo
long skirts over banged up knees
that preferred to kneel
in the dirt
by the creek
run away
by herself
find the meadow of flowers
tucked behind the woods
where her voice could roar and 
bounce across the hills
sing songs that were silly
and dance in the dirt

The one who was a little 
too much
so they hushed her with rules
and set her up to fail if
she opened her mouth
but gave her a place of 
belonging
just for her
IF
she was quiet and
submissive
go to church but
not speak in it
bring casseroles and 
jello cakes
in colorful dishes
leave them on the table
for others to consume.
give her body
scrub the toilets
hold the babies
wash the mud and dirt 
off the floor and
the shoes
and the clothes
pull that wild curly hair 
 tighter
pin it into a bun
hide it!
all the wild glory
behind a piece of pleated cloth
cover those once-skinned knees 
with pantyhose please
don't let your skin be seen
give up
the things you want
sacrifice with joy
give your life away
but hold on
to purity and
keep those curves covered
work harder, don't stop
wipe the tears of those around you
but hide yours
it's not okay to need  or want
when others are suffering
sit here for family photo
hide the disaster that lurks
beneath the picture
perfect smiles pasted
over mental health that is rotting
turn the lights brighter to 
cover the darkness that holds us
clenches us in a grip so tight
hold the one who
wants to die
fix her
all by yourself
because you have god
and that is all you need
besides there is no one
who sees you 
all alone
carrying a load too big
staggering
stumbling
all for crumbs of praise
recognition that comes
for good girls who
are too much 
so they must
give too much

Have you met my mother's daughter? 
with the load so big it would crush her
if she tried to lay it down
her only way out then
to just keep going
keep saving others since
she cannot save herself
from a load of being
too much
so she crosses continents
and gives her life away
because there was too much
 grief to stay 
in the place where
my mother's daughter
had to grow herself up alone
be her father and her mother
knead the bread and 
be the bread
until one day
she was all used up
and the sun no longer shown
on her inner landscape
and she had nothing left 
with which to pretend
that it was light 
and she was all right
so she fell
down
down
down
under the load she had
carried for far too long
and it crushed her
split her
into
a thousand pieces

And then
Glory!
she found her banged up knees 
in the beautiful dirt 
by the creek
she found her hands
in the meadow of flowers
tucked behind the woods
and there was her voice!
roaring and bouncing across the hills
singing songs that were silly
and there were her feet
dancing in the dirt
and when she looked into the stream
it stilled as a mirror
and she saw
finally saw
my mother's daughter
as she was always meant to be
and there the wind caressed her
tumbled her curls round her shoulders
and under the light 
of a sumptuous moon
she found what they were always afraid of
she found her whole self
her too-much not-enough self
that was actually just right
so she stepped fully into her skin
all of it
and the sky dripped 
giant tears of joy 
while the hills laughed
with relief at
the sheer beauty
of a woman
who finally 
stepped into
her whole skin.

When I was 5 years old, we rented a little house next to a pig farm. Beyond the yard and the pig pen was a lovely little creek. Behind it, the woods. I would venture off, exploring, every chance I had. One day I discovered a meadow of wild spring flowers, tucked into a corner of the woods. Some of my earliest moments of happiness were there in those woods.

Time passed and we moved. From house to house. State to state. I was born a granddaughter of a preacher. Later I became the daughter of one. I grew up in a tight community. But I also grew up alone. Learned how to hide the un-health of others. Carried burdens that were too heavy for a child. Some things are not yet speak-able because, contrary to the stories some tell about me, I really do love and care for my family.

But this poem has bubbled to the surface and wants to be given wings. So I release it to the winds that watched me step fully into my own skin. All of it. And know it will be taken to my sisters who still believe they are too-much, not-enough.

And the next time the wind roars past your ears, don’t be fooled. It’s never just the wind. It’s another one of us stepping fully into our own skin.

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