Many wives, upon discovering their spouse is not the straight partner they thought he was, decide to leave. I get it. No judgment. Mixed orientation marriage is hard. Sometimes the marriage that was built on an illusion cannot be rebuilt. There are so many reasons why some stay and some go. After years of working through this myself and of hearing the stories of others, I have come to the conclusion that there is no black and white answer, no manual guaranteed to work. There is no script to follow, no map. No way to pray the gay away. There is only the journey of the soul and each person must undertake that journey for him or herself.

In my journey towards wholeness, I have come to realize the importance of knowing my worth. The ability to stay well or leave well all comes down to knowing my worth. For those struggling to discern whether to stay or not, I believe the answers will reveal themselves as the journey shifts from finding the right answer to the journey of moving towards wholeness.

Knowing my worth

In the beginning, when I felt my marriage was all a lie, I stayed because I had no energy to do anything else. I did not know my worth, and, in some ways, stayed because I felt I had no worth. No one else would have me, or so I believed. I had no career path. Surrounded by 3 little ones, barely functioning myself, I could not begin to think about anything but survival.

As I began to do my work however, my self-worth slowly began to solidify. Out of the ashes, my true self began to emerge and I realized that I like my self and truly believe that I have something special to offer. I am still on the journey, for it never truly ends, but have come far enough to see a vista I wasn’t able to dream of in those early days.

Why I stay

I stay because I love my husband. I mean, really, he is pretty amazing! But there is another reason that, to me, is equally important.

Now I stay because I know my worth. And my worth is honored in this marriage. I am seen and valued. Not perfectly and not without a fight sometimes, and I’m still learning how to let him know when I am not feeling seen and valued. But for any of that to happen, I must first experience my own worth.

Knowing my worth enables me to keep my head up, on the days when I look at statistics and am afraid things will someday change between us.

Being confident in my own value means I’m not staying because I have to. I am staying because I want to.

Knowing my worth has given shape to the boundaries I set for this marriage. And where I set those boundaries is nobody else’s business.

Knowing my worth also gives me a solid container to both grow love and to share it generously.

In short, you can’t give away something you don’t have. To give love and value to another, it must first grow deep within you.

So if your relationship is in shambles, please stop trying to fix it. Look in love’s mirror until you see yourself reflected, until the self you see is someone you can embrace and honor. You are worth it.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.