My husband can pass as straight. People often wonder why he would choose to openly label himself as bi when he has a wife and can pass as straight. You may be wondering the same thing.
It’s a simple question with complicated answers; answers that he did not come upon easily. While I have talked about this briefly throughout previous posts, I will attempt to bring a bit more clarity today.
But first, let me tell you about a dream I had.
The trickle and the geranium
I dreamed our city had been hit with an apocalyptic-like devastation. Power was out, no one had water, and vegetation had all dried up. The earth was brown and barren. Outside of our kitchen door, in the exact spot where our compost bin stands in real life, a natural spring opened up, bringing a constant trickle of water to the surface. Though it was just a trickle, it was enough to provide drinking water to our entire neighborhood. What was even more astonishing was the red geranium growing beside the spring. When everything else was dead and dry, water for the body and color for the soul came from what before was rotting bits of discarded life.
A trickle, when shared, is more than enough to sustain. Sometimes I think the world heals more when we share from the little we have than when we give out of our abundance.
In my dream, the neighborhood knew it was welcome to come share our trickle 24/7. We didn’t hide it or hoard it, afraid it would dry up and we would have nothing left.
For us, staying in the closet and passing as straight would have been a bit like keeping that trickle of life-giving water to ourselves.
One of the reasons…
Some years back, a friend of Austin’s, who was also queer, took his own life. This friend had come out to Austin, and to Austin’s knowledge, no one else. Raised in a very conservative community, this person did not see hope of ever being able to live authentically. Unable to live with the shame and despair, and seeing no way to reconcile the religious teachings of the community with the reality of his inner world, life became unlivable. Isolation, sadness and despair drove him to end his life.
This particular story has sat heavy on our hearts. When this happened, Austin was still hiding under enormous shame and despair and yet remembering his own suicidal ideation as a teenager. He sometimes wonders if the story could have had a different ending if he had been able to speak into his friend’s life from the place where he is at now.
While we will probably never know that, we do know that we can make a difference in the lives of those who are still with us.
For those still in the closet, especially for those in communities where it would be unsafe for them to come out, loneliness and isolation are devastating reality. By allowing others to know his truth, Austin has opened the door a crack for them, so that they know they are not alone.
Passing as Straight
Being a safe person for those still in the closet is important. By coming out publicly, Austin is signaling to them that they are not alone and that he is an ally. This is especially important for those who are passing as straight and see no other alternative.
There are many men and women passing as straight, who have chosen to marry a straight partner. There are many reasons for this choice. Some do so out of religious and/or cultural pressure. They know they will be cast out if they show their true colors. Some want a family and biological children. Others believe that marriage will cure them of their unwanted attractions. Some genuinely love the person they marry and cannot imagine life without them. There are many reasons for these mixed orientation marriages, and they work for some people.
But there are many queer folks who know they will take their secret to the grave with them. Married or not, they do their best to pass as straight because they see no other option.
We want them to know they are not alone. That they are precious. Enough life has been lost.
Signal for change
While this is not the only reason Austin chose to come out publicly, it certainly is a very important one to both of us.
I hope to write more about other reasons some other day, but suffice it to say that it takes an incredible amount of energy to pretend to be someone you are not. Austin was tired of hiding. I was tired of him hiding. It was time.
When someone like my husband comes out publicly, it’s a bit like a thorn in the flesh to the straight community. He no longer fits the narrative they are familiar with. By breaking molds and being bold, he is calling out long established norms that are hurtful to the queer community. He is a fresh voice, calling for change, fighting for inclusion and challenging long-held biases.
In honor of the friend who took his own life, we are going to keep talking, keep pushing the conversation forward. We are not going to stop raising awareness because it’s time that no more lives are taken over this issue. By coming out, Austin has chosen life for himself and many, many others, who are not free yet to do so on their own.
No matter your views, you can be an ally for life instead of death. You don’t have to completely agree or understand in order to be an ally. Anytime someone chooses death because of the narrative of those who say they are for life, something should trouble us deeply. It’s time to be brave enough to admit we may have been wrong. It’s time to look at things with fresh eyes and truly be pro-life. For all. Period.
How will you choose life today?
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or know someone who is, The Trevor Project has someone available 24/7 to call, text or chat with. PFLAG also has links to other support groups. You are important. And you are loved.
Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.