We all know by now that relationships are hard and messy. They require a lot of work and effort. When they blow up or don’t work out, it’s easier to just exit quickly and never look back. Ending well is difficult. Those months in between the time I found out about the cheating and our divorce were long and hard. Yet, when the morning of our final hearing dawned, we sat together outside the magistrate’s office, waiting our turn. Talking and laughing like old friends. Because somehow, in spite of all that had transpired, we were still friends. In fact, after it was all said and done, we tried to take a photo of the two of us with angry faces. But we ended up laughing every time. Not because our ending was funny. For it was not. But because we had found a way to hold on to friendship.

Not everyone gets to experience this. Both parties have to be willing to do the hard work of ending well. I’m very grateful that Austin was willing to show up for this process. And while I don’t have a concise how-to list for you, there are a few things I have learned from our journey that I want to share with you. They may or may not apply to your story. Take what is helpful and leave the rest.

forgiveness

I wrote briefly about forgiveness in an earlier post. For me, this had to happen before the answer of whether or not to stay in the marriage became clear to me. And I think the timing was profound. It may not work this way for everyone, but the answer did not come to me until I realized I had forgiven him.

I wish I could give you steps on how to make this happen. But I cannot. I have struggled my whole life to forgive those who hurt me. It is not something that comes easily for me. I have a strong sense of justice and fairness. And this was anything but fair.

I do know that time away helped. As did talking to my amazing therapist and friends. But I had to face a whole lot of darkness on my own. Not bypassing it by “giving it to the Lord” or choosing to immediately say I forgive. Spiritual bypassing is a harmful practice, in my opinion. Rather, I completely entered the darkness. Sat with it. Listened to my anger. Let it move through me. I went on long walks and let Mother Nature help carry my pain. I foraged for Turkey Tail Mushrooms, brewed tea and gave my body plant medicine. Instead of focusing on forgiveness, I focused on fully facing my pain and finding ways to heal. And then the forgiveness came.

And after the forgiveness came, my body and mind were in alignment and I knew what I needed to do.

Letting go

Ending well is only possible if you are able to let go. Let go of regrets. Let go of the other person. And let go of the future you thought you were going to have. That’s a whole lot of letting go. And it’s not easy. But you can approach it as a practice. A new habit that you are trying on, that gets easier the more you practice it.

It helps to have a trusted friend to talk to. Writing can also be a good way to put feelings into words and let them out. Just don’t make your soon-to-be ex the person you process this with. Not that you should never talk with them about it. But just make sure they are not bearing your disappointments on top of navigating their own.

Agreements

It’s so important to have clear short-term agreements. From lodging to money, kids to pets. You will be spending a lot of time sorting through big agreements if you are filing for divorce. But the time in between is important too. So take some time to think about what you will need and then ask for it. Maybe you need him to move out but come by in the evenings to help with the kids or give you a night to hang out with a friend. Maybe you need her to come to a therapy session with you. Perhaps you want to set aside part of every weekend to start going through the house and dividing up assets.

Take time for those difficult conversations. Don’t make assumptions. Do you still expect the other person to be monogamous? Who is going to make the house payment? What kind of boundaries do you need for your own sanity?

Think forward

One of the things that helped me the most was to picture us at Christmas a few years down the road. To really envision what I wanted us to look like. What I saw was a big happy blended family. The kids and their partners. Both of us with new partners. All of us around a big table loaded with good food, holding our bellies in laughter. That image kept me going in so many ways. Motivated me to navigate the present so that we would all want to be in the same room again someday.

We’ve not been perfect parents. Didn’t raise a perfect family. But there was always so much love and that doesn’t change with a divorce. The kids are still so important to us and I want us to always be able to laugh together. We get to define what family looks like. It’s not just flesh and blood.

One of the last pieces of furniture I bought for my new home was a table and chairs. It had to be special. Had to be big enough. Had to have a special feeling to it.

And I found just what I was looking for. I sit at it now, three times a day. Alone. And I soak up the quiet around me. I cook for myself a couple times a week and eat lots of leftovers. Some days it’s a little too quiet and I miss what we had. But the beautiful thing about ending as friends is that we can still be family. And that is more important to me than pushing for the highest dollar amount I could get in a settlement or holding on to any regrets or even trying to control his future.

My marriage is done. That chapter is completely closed and I am okay with that. But I rather love our quirky little family. And it’s not done growing yet. The table I bought has a leaf that I removed. Stored in my little laundry closet. Someday the kids and the grand kids and all their grandparents will sit around the extended table. And we’ll spill some curry as we listen to the latest escapades. And laugh till we cry while we wait for the apple dumplings to cool. We’ll remember what we once were. And we will have no regrets about what we have become.

For more tips on how to end well, I highly recommend Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.