Posted on by palmtreemomma

Ending Well

We all know by now that relationships are hard and messy. They require a lot of work and effort. When they blow up or don’t work out, it’s easier to just exit quickly and never look back. Ending well is difficult. Those months in between the time I found out about the cheating and our divorce were long and hard. Yet, when the morning of our final hearing dawned, we sat together outside the magistrate’s office, waiting our turn. Talking and laughing like old friends. Because somehow, in spite of all that had transpired, we were still friends. In fact, after it was all said and done, we tried to take a photo of the two of us with angry faces. But we ended up laughing every time. Not because our ending was funny. For it was not. But because we had found a way to hold on to friendship.

Not everyone gets to experience this. Both parties have to be willing to do the hard work of ending well. I’m very grateful that Austin was willing to show up for this process. And while I don’t have a concise how-to list for you, there are a few things I have learned from our journey that I want to share with you. They may or may not apply to your story. Take what is helpful and leave the rest.

forgiveness

I wrote briefly about forgiveness in an earlier post. For me, this had to happen before the answer of whether or not to stay in the marriage became clear to me. And I think the timing was profound. It may not work this way for everyone, but the answer did not come to me until I realized I had forgiven him.

I wish I could give you steps on how to make this happen. But I cannot. I have struggled my whole life to forgive those who hurt me. It is not something that comes easily for me. I have a strong sense of justice and fairness. And this was anything but fair.

I do know that time away helped. As did talking to my amazing therapist and friends. But I had to face a whole lot of darkness on my own. Not bypassing it by “giving it to the Lord” or choosing to immediately say I forgive. Spiritual bypassing is a harmful practice, in my opinion. Rather, I completely entered the darkness. Sat with it. Listened to my anger. Let it move through me. I went on long walks and let Mother Nature help carry my pain. I foraged for Turkey Tail Mushrooms, brewed tea and gave my body plant medicine. Instead of focusing on forgiveness, I focused on fully facing my pain and finding ways to heal. And then the forgiveness came.

And after the forgiveness came, my body and mind were in alignment and I knew what I needed to do.

Letting go

Ending well is only possible if you are able to let go. Let go of regrets. Let go of the other person. And let go of the future you thought you were going to have. That’s a whole lot of letting go. And it’s not easy. But you can approach it as a practice. A new habit that you are trying on, that gets easier the more you practice it.

It helps to have a trusted friend to talk to. Writing can also be a good way to put feelings into words and let them out. Just don’t make your soon-to-be ex the person you process this with. Not that you should never talk with them about it. But just make sure they are not bearing your disappointments on top of navigating their own.

Agreements

It’s so important to have clear short-term agreements. From lodging to money, kids to pets. You will be spending a lot of time sorting through big agreements if you are filing for divorce. But the time in between is important too. So take some time to think about what you will need and then ask for it. Maybe you need him to move out but come by in the evenings to help with the kids or give you a night to hang out with a friend. Maybe you need her to come to a therapy session with you. Perhaps you want to set aside part of every weekend to start going through the house and dividing up assets.

Take time for those difficult conversations. Don’t make assumptions. Do you still expect the other person to be monogamous? Who is going to make the house payment? What kind of boundaries do you need for your own sanity?

Think forward

One of the things that helped me the most was to picture us at Christmas a few years down the road. To really envision what I wanted us to look like. What I saw was a big happy blended family. The kids and their partners. Both of us with new partners. All of us around a big table loaded with good food, holding our bellies in laughter. That image kept me going in so many ways. Motivated me to navigate the present so that we would all want to be in the same room again someday.

We’ve not been perfect parents. Didn’t raise a perfect family. But there was always so much love and that doesn’t change with a divorce. The kids are still so important to us and I want us to always be able to laugh together. We get to define what family looks like. It’s not just flesh and blood.

One of the last pieces of furniture I bought for my new home was a table and chairs. It had to be special. Had to be big enough. Had to have a special feeling to it.

And I found just what I was looking for. I sit at it now, three times a day. Alone. And I soak up the quiet around me. I cook for myself a couple times a week and eat lots of leftovers. Some days it’s a little too quiet and I miss what we had. But the beautiful thing about ending as friends is that we can still be family. And that is more important to me than pushing for the highest dollar amount I could get in a settlement or holding on to any regrets or even trying to control his future.

My marriage is done. That chapter is completely closed and I am okay with that. But I rather love our quirky little family. And it’s not done growing yet. The table I bought has a leaf that I removed. Stored in my little laundry closet. Someday the kids and the grand kids and all their grandparents will sit around the extended table. And we’ll spill some curry as we listen to the latest escapades. And laugh till we cry while we wait for the apple dumplings to cool. We’ll remember what we once were. And we will have no regrets about what we have become.

For more tips on how to end well, I highly recommend Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Re-finding Home

Getting into my car for the long ride to Georgia was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We had just spent our last weekend together with a circle of friends. They lovingly surrounded us and led us in a quiet ceremony to mark the ending of our 25 years together. After tying our hands together they had us sit facing each other. We each spoke words of love and letting go to the other. Then they untied our hands and had us sit back to back to show we are now supporting each other, as they sang a beautiful song over us. A song about coming home.

We had one last day with the kids. Sharing coffee, laughter and cinnamon rolls. Hiking around the lake and cooking dinner together after loading my car for the move to my new home.

We said goodbye under the glow of the full moon as it hung low in the newborn light of morning. Though my car was packed to the brim, I found room for a box of tissues. Which I would reach for many times along the way.

As the day stretched long, my tears lessened. By the time I reached the South Carolina line, something shifted and the air began to smell like home.

By late afternoon I had crossed into Georgia where the palmettos and live oaks sang to me. A song about coming home. I pulled into the driveway of my new home, exhausted but relieved, and found the keys my agent had left for me. After a quick peek at the house, I unloaded everything. Then headed to the nearest Target to buy cleaning supplies so I could quickly sweep and mop the floors before unrolling my mat for the night.

home

First thing the next morning, after a cup of dark, rich coffee, I drove out to the ocean and felt the weight of a thousand decisions and worries roll off my shoulders. The gentle waves a welcoming gesture from mother earth. I knew deep within my bones that I was finally home.

The betrayal still hurts at times. And I have moments of confusion and overwhelm in a new city. But I have no doubt that this is where I am meant to be for this next phase of my life. I will always remember the precious love of people and places that were home to me for the last phase of life. But right now, I have found a place of belonging here. Near the ocean where I often see dolphins playing in the water, their sleek bodies gracefully arching above the waves as I stroll the shores. Some mornings the ocean greets me with big beautiful shells and always with the laughter of her waves.

I came to this place alone. And yet I am finding that you are never truly alone when you are at one with yourself, the earth, and her creator.

synchronicity

There is an interesting phenomenon at work. So many things are unfolding for me with striking synchronicity. I met a new friend whose story mirrors my own. I have found lovely pieces of repurposed furniture that feel like they were designed just for me. I’ve been warmly welcomed by neighbors and total strangers. Housewarming gifts sent by dear friends. So many things falling into place in ways I could not have imagined.

And yet, these things didn’t just happen. I had to get into my car, alone, that morning in late May. And before that, I had to make some really hard decisions.

The last few months have been a blur of filling out paperwork and dividing things. Turns out that even an amicable divorce isn’t easy. Not that I ever thought it would be. But at every turn there were more decisions to be made, signatures required, boxes to be filled, exhausting conversations, and letting go.

There have been moments of sheer terror. So many people have told me that I’m so strong. That I’m teaching them how to be brave. I guess brave looks like bursting into tears at the sight of special mementos and then dividing them up and packing up your share. I suppose strong can look like curling into a fetal position and holding yourself tight and then sitting at your computer to set up the electric service in your new home.

Being brave and strong does not mean being a person who does not feel terror, grief or loss. It means you feel all these things, but keep following the path anyway. Because you know in the deepest part of yourself that this is the only way home.

Re-finding home

Being so open and vulnerable with our story has put us in the position to be safe people for others who are going through something similar. And there are many folks out there that are not ready to loose the only home they can imagine. Even if the relationship is all but lifeless. It’s truly terrifying to leave the familiar, even if the familiar is a painful or impossible situation. I get it. Have struggled long and hard with this.

Whatever your situation, if you are self-aware and doing the inner work, you will know if you are truly “home” right now or not. And if you are not, but want to be, if a quiet barefoot back-roads bluejeans kind of country girl can do it, so can you. But if you wait until you are no longer afraid, you will never do it. Courage is hearing a new song about coming home and then getting up and following it while you are still afraid. Bravery is all about shaking with fear but doing it anyway.

Not all of us were born turtles, with our forever home attached to our back. But we can all learn to swim towards the people and places that are singing us home.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Re-shaping

a family that is re-shaping itself

Twenty five years ago we spent the day smiling for photos, saying “I do”, serving burritos and six different flavors of homemade cake to our guests. The day was full of funny stories, delicious flavors and our favorite people. We walked out to our borrowed car at the end of the day, jaws aching from smiling so much. Sure that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

Today we spent the day sorting through our attic, dividing up mementos from these last twenty five years. We laughed at some of the silly things we saved and shared many “remember when” stories. It was bittersweet. When I opened the box of Christmas decorations and pulled out the handmade Kantha stockings that represent each person in our family, I fell apart for a bit. All the love we have in this wild and wonderful family came rushing in and it’s hard to imagine this change.

But this change does not make us a broken family. We are just a family that is re-shaping itself. This doesn’t mean we failed. Or fell short. We both poured our hearts into this beautiful family. And have no regrets. Instead we hold so much love and gratitude for what we’ve had and will continue to have. Just in re-shaped ways.

crumbling

Each of us will have moments in life where the things we have built will crumble in one way or the other. Crumbling doesn’t mean failure. It’s not the end of the world, even though it may feel like it for a long time. Crumbling, while incredibly painful, is also a gift. It is the opportunity to re-shape our life. To discard ways of being that have not served us well. And to build again in ways that honor the deepest, truest parts of ourselves.

Twenty five years ago, we built a life together using the tools we had. We did the best we could and crafted so much beauty and joy. But we have learned so much about ourselves along the way. Faced our own deep pain and traumas. Given each other a safe place to heal. And the healing we have found has changed us each in ways we could not have imagined. We are not the same people that said “I do” twenty five years ago.

If we had remained the same people that we were when we started this journey, we would have failed. Success is not a state of being; it is being present in the journey of wholeness. It is staying with the journey, not an ideal. And our journey has brought us to a place where our paths are separating.

bittersweet

The past couple of weeks have been full of practical steps towards this separation. We agreed on an attorney and filled out paperwork to start the legal process of divorce. We’ve started the task of physically going through the house and dividing up things. I’m looking at houses in a place I have wanted to move to for a very long time. We’re figuring out how to keep running our business and so much more.

It’s a time of both sadness and happiness. A time of remembering and looking ahead. It’s full of feelings and emotions, laughter and tears. It’s bittersweet in the best of ways.

I never imagined that this would be me. But the life I imagined didn’t turn out the way I expected so now I get to re-imagine. Relocate. Rebuild. In so many ways, my worst fears have been realized. And I didn’t die like I thought I would. I’m still here. Stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been before.

Don’t be afraid of the crumbling. Re-shaping your life might end up being the best gift you could receive.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

A Great Love

I have had a great love and I carried it with me these past two months as I hiked forests, sat beside bubbling falls, walked along the water’s edge, and breathed in the air that can only be found at the edge of the salt marsh. I waited breathlessly for sunrises and sunsets and learned to fill the space in between with a new way of being. As I watched Spring slowly come to coastal South Carolina, and later begin the to brush the edges of the mountains further inland, something within me began to come alive as well.

I came face to face with my alone-ness. I let the terrors come so close they brushed against my cheeks and threatened to undo me. The hurt came and went but slowly I began to breathe again. Lungs full of cleansing air that chilled and filled and soothed.

I realized that I had been living my life asleep. And without the affairs that shattered my world, I may never have woken up.

Waking up

I had always told myself that if Austin ever cheated on me, I would be done. That our marriage would be over.

And then it happened. All my worst fears come true. But everything was murky and suddenly nothing was clear anymore. No matter which angle I came at it from, I couldn’t make any sense of anything. The only thing I knew for sure, was that I needed to have some time away.

At first, I wanted to burn our family photos. Shatter the penguin cup we picked out for our last anniversary. I couldn’t bear to look at the paintings on the walls that we bought in Asian markets during our years abroad. Everywhere I looked, there were reminders of the beautiful life and love we had shared. And it just hurt too much.

Today, I’m sitting in our living room. Surrounded by these mementos of that beautiful life. And I have no regrets. I’m glad I didn’t smash or burn them. I am able to treasure them, even if that part of my life is over.

For I have had a great love.

a great love

The blank page before me
fills the screen
I sit in silence,
wondering how to put
these thoughts into words.
If I were a bird I would sing
a melody so bittersweet
it would halt those passing by
with something hauntingly beautiful
the kind of melody only found
after a needed but terrible
storm has passed.
I have had a great love.
Of this I have no doubt.
It swept me off my feet in the beginning,
pulled the rug out from under me later
left me wondering which side was up
for so long.
And yet
it was a great love.
One that I will treasure
for ever
and always.
This love took me around the world
showed me people and cultures
tropical terrains
sights, sounds, and smells too beautiful
and complex for words.
It gave me 3 amazing sons
that make me fiercely proud.
This love gave me the courage
to dance
to a different tune.
One that was born within
and tenderly nurtured
by the earth
and the Great Spirit
and She who gives birth
to life itself.
But most of all,
this love gave me a friend.
One who loved me
as best he could.
Who taught me to laugh
held me when I cried.
Was there when I woke
to all of my losses.
Tenderly coaxed me
out of my shell
applauded when I 
told my story
faced my demons
stepped into the light.
I have had a great love.
And I will carry it with me
as a part of my wings.
For this love has changed me
in all the best ways.
I'm ready to let the past
be the past.
I have no regrets.
For I have had a great love.
`MM

The shift

Something shifted within me during my time away. Something that I still haven’t quite found the words for. But I am trying. As the time came for me to pack up and return home, I was filled with a lot of apprehension. I’ve always loved coming home, but now home did not feel safe anymore.

I couldn’t hide it. Or pretend everything was okay. Hiding is overrated. And pretending slowly sucks the happy out of our souls.

So I was honest. And honesty turned into one conversation which turned into another and I realized with absolute clarity that no matter what, I will always be friends with this beautiful soul who has shared 25 years of my life.

Before I left for South Carolina, I could not imagine remaining friends if our marriage ended. It was too painful. But now I cannot imagine not remaining friends.

finding answers

I didn’t come home with answers. But I came home with honesty and that honesty is leading to the answers.

The biggest shift came in realizing with absolute clarity that I always want to be friends with him. Then I was able to be honest about how difficult it has been for me to go with him to Pride events because they felt threatening to me. To Us. But I realized if I went with him as a friend, instead of his wife, I would be his biggest fan. The relief I felt in my body, at that thought of supporting him as his best friend, was something I did not anticipate. But it was a wake up call to me and I paid attention.

In fact, I feel like all of the things that have shifted and clarified for me are the result of all the years of doing the inner work of self-healing. Of learning to listen to my body.

So when I finally was able to admit to myself that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I am the only one, it gave me the final clarity I was looking for. I don’t want to live in question of whether or not I am enough.

finding forgiveness

I have been able to completely forgive Austin for the affairs. And I have no regret for the years we spent together and the beautiful life we had.

In the end, I have come to realize we both have needs and desires that will not be fully met within our marriage. And so we have decided together that marriage is no longer the container for our love and we are moving forward with plans for a divorce.

We have had a great love. Gave it everything we had. We both really wanted this to work. I have no resentment or anger anymore. I am, and always will be, his best friend, biggest fan and loudest cheerleader.

We have had a great love.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.