It’s been nearly 2 years since I sat in the quiet living room of the old house and listened to the story of my betrayal. I watched the sun disappear behind clouds of grief and unbelief. And my world went dark in an instant.

And in the remembering, I’m taken back to those initial moments. Those early days and months when all I felt was despair, grief, and sadness. Tears were a near constant companion. I remember laying on the floor, not wanting to go on.

When I compare that woman to who I am today, I can hardly believe that it’s the same person. But I believe that the only reason I’m where I am today is because I fully stepped into the grief. I didn’t bypass it. Spiritualize it. Try to explain it away as a part of God’s plan for my life. Instead, I full stepped into the grief and allowed myself to stay there for as long as I needed.

Grief as a passage

We live in a culture that has all but done away with grief rituals. We learn instead to hide what we feel. To put on masks and go out into the world as if nothing has happened. It’s no wonder so many people remain sad and miserable. Suffering from depression that never seems to go away. You cannot get to the other side if you don’t first walk through the passage of grief.

For me, I had to fully step into the grief and feel it all. And while I wrestled for months, trying to decide what to do, I learned to live with the questions and the loss. Made that in-between place of confusion and loss my home for a while.

I found things that soothed me and stayed close to them. Got out into nature every day that the weather permitted. I talked to trees and cried with the creek. Let the sunshine touch my face. Met every sunrise with a cup of steaming coffee and hunted for sea shells. I picked up a pen and I wrote and wrote and wrote. Pouring out my soul in private journals and sharing glimpses of the journey with all of you. Continued my mediation practice and moved my body with yoga. And I nourished myself with home-cooked meals made from scratch. Using raw ingredients from Mother Earth and turned them into plates of nourishment.

And then one day, I just knew. I knew what I wanted. I was terrified and relieved at the same time. But mostly relieved. As soon as I started taking one step forward, more steps appeared with startling clarity. And my grief, sadness, and depression were gone. Not saying I never felt them again because it still comes and goes at times. But the overall sense of the grief and loss were gone.

The steps to fleshing out that plan and building the new life I wanted were not easy. But watching the pieces fall into place bit by bit once I bravely embraced the new path has been astonishingly beautiful.

the other side of grief

I fully stepped into grief, as a passage, and now I find myself on the other side. Where I’ve built a new and beautiful life. Today I own a beautiful home that hums with healing energy. It’s surrounded by grass and trees, filled with plants and gifts from Mother Earth. It reflects who I am in ways no other home has done. It’s near the beach and I walk the shores frequently, sand crunching beneath my feet while the waves rush to kiss my toes. This place is full of sunshine and warm days, palm trees, and friendly folks who say “y’all.” My kids come to see me often. And while I miss seeing them frequently, the time we now spend together is so special.

I’ve met someone with a most beautiful heart, who sees me in ways I’ve never been seen before. My nervous system is relaxed with him and I know I am home.

Some folks look at me thriving and tell me I’m blessed. And while this is true, I can also say with surety that it didn’t just happen. I made choices. Took risks and put in the work. I knew with clarity what kind of life I wanted and then I set out to build it. It hasn’t been easy but it has been worth it.

Grief is inevitable because loss is a part of the human experience. It’s what we do with that grief that makes all the difference in what kind of life we will have moving forward. Unprocessed or unacknowledged grief can come out as trauma responses, hurting ourselves and those around us. Getting stuck in grief can lead to depression and anxiety. But moving through grief, as a passage, makes it possible to someday emerge on the other side and build the life your heart is pulling you towards.

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