Posted on by palmtreemomma

Mixed Orientation Relationships

I have heard many times that our story gave hope to couples in similar situations. So I imagine that the ending of our marriage has brought up a lot of questions for some of you regarding your own relationship.

I still believe that mixed orientation relationships can work. Just because ours did not work out in the end, does not mean yours will not. I think, however, there are some key factors to consider, which include honesty, authenticity, and integrity.

honesty

If you want the best chance of your relationship working, experience has taught me that honesty is vital. Learn to be honest from the beginning. It is not fair to your partner if you hide this part of yourself. They deserve to know the real you. Every day you hide it, it becomes a bigger piece of negativity between you because you wouldn’t hide something you believed was positive in your life. And if you can’t see it as something positive in your life, perhaps any relationship should be put on hold until you heal this relationship with your own self. This duplicity sets the stage for both of you to have a hard time accepting it when it does come out.

And it will eventually come out in some way, shape, or form. When you hide something, it’s still there. And the amount of energy you expend to suppress it will take a toll on your relationship.

In the months leading up to when Austin came out to me, I knew something was going on. Could feel it. Our relationship was not in a good place. Something was there, but I just didn’t know what it was. As hard as it was to know the truth, a sense of relief came with it. I was glad to finally know what was going on.

But I have always wished he could have been honest with me from the beginning. I deserved to know this vital part of him. And I deserved to decide for myself whether I wanted to be in a mixed orientation marriage or not.

The other piece of advice I have for those who are on the fence about coming out to your partner is in the form of a question. A question that comes from the assumption that your hesitancy is borne from fear that you may loose your partner if you are honest. I understand that there may be many other reasons for your hesitancy. But my question is this.

Do you deserve to be with someone who loves and accepts all of you? Perhaps, in your fear, you are selling yourself short. If your partner cannot handle the truth, are they really someone you want to be with? Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

If you are out to your partner, honesty is just as vital in your relationship. It plays a key role in navigating tough topics such as expectations and needs regarding monogamy, open relationships, and so much more.

That being said, I understand that there are reasons why some choose to never come out to their partners. In the end, you have to do what is best for you and I cannot judge you for that. This is simply my perspective as a former straight spouse.

Authenticity

While honesty has to do with revealing who you are, authenticity is more about becoming who you are meant to be. It is about creating a life for yourself that flows instead of being forced or hidden. Authenticity is about embracing all that you are and bringing forth the light and love that is in you. It is about working on yourself. Not to fit into a mold of some kind. But working on yourself to be the very best person you can be. It requires honesty. But perhaps it is an honest answer to the question of how you can best love yourself. It is digging in and getting to the core of the beautiful soul that you are and embracing it.

If I were a flower, honesty would be saying that I am a rose. Authenticity would be building the best flower bed possible and filling it with nutrient dense soil so that the rose bush can flourish.

Your relationship will only flourish to the level of your authenticity.

integrity

Honesty and authenticity set the stage for the best possible relationship. But integrity is about the way you handle yourself as you dance on that stage. It’s about being in alignment with your truth. Keeping the promises you made to your self and each other. And having the courage to look at those promises if they are no longer working.

Integrity is how you present yourself. It’s showing up as the best version of yourself, whether anyone is watching or not. And it is about never forgetting that the best moves in this dance of life are only possible on the stage of honesty and authenticity.

equality

One more thing worth noting here is that the needs of each of you are equally important. If one of you is suppressing needs because the other can’t or won’t honor those needs, it will be impossible for your relationship to flourish. It is not enough to put in the work to make the other person happy, if your own needs are not being met.

This is where some tough conversations may come in. Keep honesty, authenticity, and integrity by your side. Be brave enough to ask the hard questions. Are you able to give your partner what they need and still be in integrity with yourself? Can your partner truly give you what you need, if they wish to remain authentic?

In the end, for us, it wasn’t really about the cheating. Yet the cheating acted as a wake up call and showed us where we were not living in alignment with these core principals of honesty, authenticity, integrity and equality. There were areas we both needed to be honest about. There were things each of us needed in order to live in authenticity. And we reached the point where we could not provide those things for the other and still be true to ourselves.

For us, returning to honesty, authenticity, and integrity allowed us to navigate the ending of our marriage in the best possible way. Without bitterness or hatred. These practices did not negate the grief or sadness, but helped us, rather, to navigate through all the feelings that came up.

No matter what type of relationship you find yourself in, I hope you will be brave enough to show up honestly, authentically, and with deep integrity. It is the best gift you can give yourself.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

When the Light Dims

Standing at the ocean’s edge, I feel like a woman who has lost everything. I am as worn and diminished as the grains of sand beneath my feet, desperate for a tiny scrap of light to break through the clouds. Needing a sunrise like I have never needed one before. It is one of those mornings when it is hard to tell where my tears end and the gray mist begins. This was me in mid-October…

going silent

Let me back up a bit. I know I’ve gone silent. Pulled into myself like a turtle who needs to hide for a bit. As much as I love words, they fled from me. Vanished. Refused to be crafted. I feel like a woman who has lost everything, even my words.

And I suppose it was a good thing, to be left alone with raw and wild emotions. To fully feel them before I tried to express them in a way that can even begin to make sense.

Yet, even now, these words are getting in the way of me going back to where the story of this grief journey began. Back to October. Back when the leaves were in their riotous dance of color and the sky still held enough blue to make one stop and stare in wonder.

Days that reminded me of the moment, twenty five years ago, when I knew Austin was finally going to ask me out. It was a perfectly glorious Fall day in Brooklyn and I had gone on a long walk to process this news that seemed to good to be true. Feet crunching through piles of bright yellow leaves, giddy with excitement, I felt seen and loved in a way I never had before. And the whole world looked different because of it. More alive. Bright with a hope that lingered on every street corner and whispered through the few city trees. Even the light itself seemed golden and alive.

Broken bits

And now, twenty five years later, I discover that he broke our agreements. That I wasn’t the only one he chose to be intimate with. This October, as my feet crunched through piles of bright yellow leaves, I felt as if I’d been shattered into a thousand pieces. While rain dripped down the cheeks of my city, I stumbled in a world gone dark.

I took a week to go to the ocean and grieve. To be alone and think. To move out of shock and begin to process what this means. And I still don’t know what all of this means. I do know that the world has gone very dark and much of what I thought I knew is now as uncertain as the ice on an Ohio lake after the first spring thaw.

listening

One thing I do know is that I am not going to clean up a mess that I didn’t make. I’m not jumping to fix things. I’m developing a practice of listening. Listening to the little girl inside who is surprising me with her insight. Listening to wise and trusted friends. Leaning into the wisdom of my therapist. I am holding my kids the best I can. They may be grown but they’re hurting a lot right now too.

I’m also listening to Austin, curious to know why he cheated on me. It took me a while to get to a place where I can truly listen without being constantly triggered. We are having deep and vulnerable conversations. It’s hard work and often painful. But we are not hiding our truth from each other.

There is much that I’m holding close and not sharing publicly right now. Truth is, I love Austin and have always believed in him. I have no desire to smear his reputation and I don’t feel a need to share details. But I’m sharing this here because you deserve to know there’s been a hard twist in our story.

Please hold our family in as much love and grace as you can. We are all so broken right now. I ask that you honor our privacy. Give us time to grieve the collapse of life as we knew it. The future, no matter what we decide to do or not do, will be difficult.

And, in case you wonder, after a long walk under a gray sky, this amazing ribbon of orange light shone through and reminded me that darkness is not forever.

You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

No Label Says it All

Last week, Two Bi Guys aired their latest podcast called Three Bi Guys, (with wives)! in which Austin was interviewed. I am so grateful for the work Two Bi Guys are doing, calling attention to the largest but most unseen portion of the queer community. Not only are bisexuals often unseen, but they are also likely the most misunderstood.

Since Austin came out, I have been astounded by the assumptions, gossip, and slander towards him, and the bi community as a whole. Often coming from people within the faith community. This is wrong and needs to stop.

What I appreciate about this podcast, is the honest glimpse into the lives of three different bi guys. Bisexuality is a mystery and there is no box to easily put bi people into. No label says it all. While hearing from three different bi guys will not give you a complete picture of what it means to be bi, it will certainly give you a much better understanding of the complexity and fluidity of what it can mean to be bisexual.

levels of coming out

The night before the episode was due to drop, I was a mess. I don’t sleep well at the best of times, so I certainly did not sleep well that night. I was worried that I might discover something new, some new level of coming out.

In the episode, Austin mentions how he came out to me before we were married. Suffice it to say that whatever he said was so subtle that I did not pick up on it. At all.

If you have read my blog from the beginning, you will know there have been various levels of coming out. To the point that sometimes I worry that there may be more. Sometimes I’m afraid that if I make peace with the way things are, something new will come up.

learning to verbalize

Part of being a survivor of childhood trauma means having learned to survive by always expecting something terrible to happen. It’s what gave some of us the skills to scan the room and read body language. The only way we could survive was by always being ready, always having an exit strategy or a hiding mechanism.

But you and I, we are not children anymore. For me, a very important step in healing and moving on, has been to verbalize instead of exiting or hiding.

So I verbalized. It seems simple but it took excruciating effort on my part. To tell him I had trouble sleeping because I was scared. Because I felt vulnerable. We talked about it. He saw me and his words comforted me.

It’s so easy to sabotage some of the simple steps to healing and wholeness. It may be a completely different set of circumstances for you. Whatever it is, keep showing up for yourself. You matter and you are worth it.

no label says it all

It was a couple of days later that I listened to the podcast. I loved it. I also loved him more for being so honest and real and funny. And I was grateful that I had faced my fears and been vulnerable with him about them. It freed something up inside so I could really sit back and soak up the podcast.

I hope you will take the time to listen to this episode. The fine folks in this interview will show you how beautiful, unique, and mysterious a thing it is to be bisexual. No label says it all so please, stop making assumptions, keep your heart open and take this opportunity to educate yourself.

Find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon.

Want to hear more?


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Breaking the Silence

This week I watched as a friend was bravely vulnerable. Honest. Raw. Real. Within 24 hours, her vulnerability got her fired from her job.

We often don’t know what to do with utter vulnerability. When someone leaves their masks and molds at the door and gives us a look at the tender heart that is struggling beneath it all, it can be frightening and words can easily fail us.

We are accustomed to a cookie cutter society, where we know there are different flavors and shapes yet we still expect each person to fit into some type of mold. When someone is unflinchingly honest with us, the mold breaks and we see something we are not used to seeing. We seldom know what to do with it.

We have frequently experienced this, since my husband came out as bi. Sometimes the silence hurts more than words of judgement. Silence is interpreted by the hearer and it speaks loudly. Too often, unintended harshness is heard in the words left unspoken.

The unspoken rule

It is as if we adhere to an unspoken rule that says you should not acknowledge what another is going through or show compassion unless you morally agree with the issue at hand. True compassion, however, is the sympathetic consciousness of the distress of another, with a desire to alleviate it. Compassion is universal and goes deeper than morality. It sees distress for the pain that it is. If someone is utterly honest with you, you can show compassion without ever telling them if you agree with them on a particular issue or not.

We don’t know what to do with utter vulnerability, but we can learn. When someone shares something hidden with you – an affair, depression, betrayal, addiction, sexual or gender orientation, and you are left speechless, there are some things you can say.

What to do with utter vulnerability

I’m listening. Every week I get to hear these words from the mom of a childhood friend after she reads my blog post. Two simple words that say everything.

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I’m here. This lets them know you see them and are there for them without pushing yourself onto them.

I hear you. Keep talking. Sometimes simply acknowledging that you are listening is all they need. In a world where we often miss important things, it communicates that you hear and are not ignoring or pretending it never happened.

This is all new territory for me but I would like to learn. Can you tell me more? Admitting you don’t know much is okay. Always be gentle in asking for more. Never pry. Trust must be earned and should never be assumed. Communicate that you are willing to be taught, instead of telling them you have the answers.

I had no idea this was going on. How can I be there for you? In other words, what do you need? Again, it acknowledges the pain without controlling the narrative.

I love you no matter what. This one is overused and can easily sound hollow. Only say this if you are prepared to back it up. Living this one out may prove to be much harder than saying the words in the first place. And be aware that what you think is loving may feel like rejection to them, which defeats the purpose of saying the words in the first place.

Be There

Whatever you do, find a way to acknowledge that you see and you hear. It is devastating to be vulnerable and have people you thought were your friends either ghost you or pretend nothing happened. We must find a better way to navigate the broken bits of life with those we care about, not running away from it, or telling them how to fix it.

Be the person who stays, shows up, listens, finds the words to speak, but most importantly, walks beside. Be a before and after kind of friend. And remember, you can’t love with arms wide open when you are holding on to judgement. Love widely.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

When Your Lips Leak Silence

Your silence speaks sharply
while echoing in the quiet
empty spaces where friendship
once used to exist.
Laughter and kindness bumped into each other
in this place
I thought I belonged
but maybe I was wrong.
I wonder – did you ever truly value me
at all?
I am still
the same person I was then.

Does cracking open the polished veneer
and giving you a vulnerable look at the tender
undo the respect
you once had for me?
I do not understand this distance,
like an unspoken sigh
long held back
has escaped your lips
while I hear what you don’t say
more than what you say.
It feels like judgement.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

I don’t need you to agree with me but please
I just want you to see me,
acknowledge the pain
that has ripped and remade me.
I don’t need you to validate me
or my journey because
that has already been done
by the only one that matters.
I myself love myself and can finally
embrace my story
and all the pain
and the glory.
So, no, I do not need you to affirm
my story
but please
acknowledge my vulnerability.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

You have seen my soul naked and bare,
the wrappings and trappings
ripped off as
I stood there alone
in my corner while
your silence held me there.
I felt the aloneness
more than you intended,
I am sure,
but I am not here to judge
your intent.
I am here so that you can hear a story
that is deeper than myself and
wider than all of humanity.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

Your silence renders me invisible
in the circle of all
who are like you.
I wonder why you hold so tight
to a circle of those
who are like you?
In a universe of unique
and breathtaking diversity where
not one snowflake is alike – so
why oh why
do you clutch your molds
and cookie cutters
and push them into the hearts
of the vulnerable?

I won’t let you mold
my heart into
the perfectly shaped thing
you want it to be
because I will be me.
Even when your silence feels like judgment
I know my heart and my story
and the journey it has taken me
to get to this place.
I know my value and hold it close while
I close my eyes and sway to the tune
of an ancient melody
you may not hear.
I hold my worth with one hand to my heart
while with the other I hold back
the flow of silence and
I listen to what is worth hearing
instead.
I turn my face towards the
sound of love
for a vulnerable heart
is keenly tuned
to this sound that those speaking judgement
will never hear.

There is a space
in a new place
for me
where love and kindness
bump into each other.
Where scars are tenderly kissed and
honor is given
to the story long held back.
Here the tears can flow and its okay to show
all that I once held secret behind those closed doors.
Authenticity is the new beautiful here
in this gorgeous space where
masks and molds are left at the door
and my soul is finally seen for what it is.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

Yet your silence no longer
holds me in place.
The breeze has whispered
and blows soft
on wings that are ready.
We rise and we fly
the vulnerable and I.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.