Posted on by palmtreemomma

Mixed Orientation Relationships

I have heard many times that our story gave hope to couples in similar situations. So I imagine that the ending of our marriage has brought up a lot of questions for some of you regarding your own relationship.

I still believe that mixed orientation relationships can work. Just because ours did not work out in the end, does not mean yours will not. I think, however, there are some key factors to consider, which include honesty, authenticity, and integrity.

honesty

If you want the best chance of your relationship working, experience has taught me that honesty is vital. Learn to be honest from the beginning. It is not fair to your partner if you hide this part of yourself. They deserve to know the real you. Every day you hide it, it becomes a bigger piece of negativity between you because you wouldn’t hide something you believed was positive in your life. And if you can’t see it as something positive in your life, perhaps any relationship should be put on hold until you heal this relationship with your own self. This duplicity sets the stage for both of you to have a hard time accepting it when it does come out.

And it will eventually come out in some way, shape, or form. When you hide something, it’s still there. And the amount of energy you expend to suppress it will take a toll on your relationship.

In the months leading up to when Austin came out to me, I knew something was going on. Could feel it. Our relationship was not in a good place. Something was there, but I just didn’t know what it was. As hard as it was to know the truth, a sense of relief came with it. I was glad to finally know what was going on.

But I have always wished he could have been honest with me from the beginning. I deserved to know this vital part of him. And I deserved to decide for myself whether I wanted to be in a mixed orientation marriage or not.

The other piece of advice I have for those who are on the fence about coming out to your partner is in the form of a question. A question that comes from the assumption that your hesitancy is borne from fear that you may loose your partner if you are honest. I understand that there may be many other reasons for your hesitancy. But my question is this.

Do you deserve to be with someone who loves and accepts all of you? Perhaps, in your fear, you are selling yourself short. If your partner cannot handle the truth, are they really someone you want to be with? Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

If you are out to your partner, honesty is just as vital in your relationship. It plays a key role in navigating tough topics such as expectations and needs regarding monogamy, open relationships, and so much more.

That being said, I understand that there are reasons why some choose to never come out to their partners. In the end, you have to do what is best for you and I cannot judge you for that. This is simply my perspective as a former straight spouse.

Authenticity

While honesty has to do with revealing who you are, authenticity is more about becoming who you are meant to be. It is about creating a life for yourself that flows instead of being forced or hidden. Authenticity is about embracing all that you are and bringing forth the light and love that is in you. It is about working on yourself. Not to fit into a mold of some kind. But working on yourself to be the very best person you can be. It requires honesty. But perhaps it is an honest answer to the question of how you can best love yourself. It is digging in and getting to the core of the beautiful soul that you are and embracing it.

If I were a flower, honesty would be saying that I am a rose. Authenticity would be building the best flower bed possible and filling it with nutrient dense soil so that the rose bush can flourish.

Your relationship will only flourish to the level of your authenticity.

integrity

Honesty and authenticity set the stage for the best possible relationship. But integrity is about the way you handle yourself as you dance on that stage. It’s about being in alignment with your truth. Keeping the promises you made to your self and each other. And having the courage to look at those promises if they are no longer working.

Integrity is how you present yourself. It’s showing up as the best version of yourself, whether anyone is watching or not. And it is about never forgetting that the best moves in this dance of life are only possible on the stage of honesty and authenticity.

equality

One more thing worth noting here is that the needs of each of you are equally important. If one of you is suppressing needs because the other can’t or won’t honor those needs, it will be impossible for your relationship to flourish. It is not enough to put in the work to make the other person happy, if your own needs are not being met.

This is where some tough conversations may come in. Keep honesty, authenticity, and integrity by your side. Be brave enough to ask the hard questions. Are you able to give your partner what they need and still be in integrity with yourself? Can your partner truly give you what you need, if they wish to remain authentic?

In the end, for us, it wasn’t really about the cheating. Yet the cheating acted as a wake up call and showed us where we were not living in alignment with these core principals of honesty, authenticity, integrity and equality. There were areas we both needed to be honest about. There were things each of us needed in order to live in authenticity. And we reached the point where we could not provide those things for the other and still be true to ourselves.

For us, returning to honesty, authenticity, and integrity allowed us to navigate the ending of our marriage in the best possible way. Without bitterness or hatred. These practices did not negate the grief or sadness, but helped us, rather, to navigate through all the feelings that came up.

No matter what type of relationship you find yourself in, I hope you will be brave enough to show up honestly, authentically, and with deep integrity. It is the best gift you can give yourself.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

A Great Love

I have had a great love and I carried it with me these past two months as I hiked forests, sat beside bubbling falls, walked along the water’s edge, and breathed in the air that can only be found at the edge of the salt marsh. I waited breathlessly for sunrises and sunsets and learned to fill the space in between with a new way of being. As I watched Spring slowly come to coastal South Carolina, and later begin the to brush the edges of the mountains further inland, something within me began to come alive as well.

I came face to face with my alone-ness. I let the terrors come so close they brushed against my cheeks and threatened to undo me. The hurt came and went but slowly I began to breathe again. Lungs full of cleansing air that chilled and filled and soothed.

I realized that I had been living my life asleep. And without the affairs that shattered my world, I may never have woken up.

Waking up

I had always told myself that if Austin ever cheated on me, I would be done. That our marriage would be over.

And then it happened. All my worst fears come true. But everything was murky and suddenly nothing was clear anymore. No matter which angle I came at it from, I couldn’t make any sense of anything. The only thing I knew for sure, was that I needed to have some time away.

At first, I wanted to burn our family photos. Shatter the penguin cup we picked out for our last anniversary. I couldn’t bear to look at the paintings on the walls that we bought in Asian markets during our years abroad. Everywhere I looked, there were reminders of the beautiful life and love we had shared. And it just hurt too much.

Today, I’m sitting in our living room. Surrounded by these mementos of that beautiful life. And I have no regrets. I’m glad I didn’t smash or burn them. I am able to treasure them, even if that part of my life is over.

For I have had a great love.

a great love

The blank page before me
fills the screen
I sit in silence,
wondering how to put
these thoughts into words.
If I were a bird I would sing
a melody so bittersweet
it would halt those passing by
with something hauntingly beautiful
the kind of melody only found
after a needed but terrible
storm has passed.
I have had a great love.
Of this I have no doubt.
It swept me off my feet in the beginning,
pulled the rug out from under me later
left me wondering which side was up
for so long.
And yet
it was a great love.
One that I will treasure
for ever
and always.
This love took me around the world
showed me people and cultures
tropical terrains
sights, sounds, and smells too beautiful
and complex for words.
It gave me 3 amazing sons
that make me fiercely proud.
This love gave me the courage
to dance
to a different tune.
One that was born within
and tenderly nurtured
by the earth
and the Great Spirit
and She who gives birth
to life itself.
But most of all,
this love gave me a friend.
One who loved me
as best he could.
Who taught me to laugh
held me when I cried.
Was there when I woke
to all of my losses.
Tenderly coaxed me
out of my shell
applauded when I 
told my story
faced my demons
stepped into the light.
I have had a great love.
And I will carry it with me
as a part of my wings.
For this love has changed me
in all the best ways.
I'm ready to let the past
be the past.
I have no regrets.
For I have had a great love.
`MM

The shift

Something shifted within me during my time away. Something that I still haven’t quite found the words for. But I am trying. As the time came for me to pack up and return home, I was filled with a lot of apprehension. I’ve always loved coming home, but now home did not feel safe anymore.

I couldn’t hide it. Or pretend everything was okay. Hiding is overrated. And pretending slowly sucks the happy out of our souls.

So I was honest. And honesty turned into one conversation which turned into another and I realized with absolute clarity that no matter what, I will always be friends with this beautiful soul who has shared 25 years of my life.

Before I left for South Carolina, I could not imagine remaining friends if our marriage ended. It was too painful. But now I cannot imagine not remaining friends.

finding answers

I didn’t come home with answers. But I came home with honesty and that honesty is leading to the answers.

The biggest shift came in realizing with absolute clarity that I always want to be friends with him. Then I was able to be honest about how difficult it has been for me to go with him to Pride events because they felt threatening to me. To Us. But I realized if I went with him as a friend, instead of his wife, I would be his biggest fan. The relief I felt in my body, at that thought of supporting him as his best friend, was something I did not anticipate. But it was a wake up call to me and I paid attention.

In fact, I feel like all of the things that have shifted and clarified for me are the result of all the years of doing the inner work of self-healing. Of learning to listen to my body.

So when I finally was able to admit to myself that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I am the only one, it gave me the final clarity I was looking for. I don’t want to live in question of whether or not I am enough.

finding forgiveness

I have been able to completely forgive Austin for the affairs. And I have no regret for the years we spent together and the beautiful life we had.

In the end, I have come to realize we both have needs and desires that will not be fully met within our marriage. And so we have decided together that marriage is no longer the container for our love and we are moving forward with plans for a divorce.

We have had a great love. Gave it everything we had. We both really wanted this to work. I have no resentment or anger anymore. I am, and always will be, his best friend, biggest fan and loudest cheerleader.

We have had a great love.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Tomb or Womb

There’s a heaping pile of pressure on women in patriarchal cultures. Many of us learn from early childhood, to clean up messes we did not make. As quickly and quietly as possible. Trauma has caused some of us to even anticipate those messes. Metaphorically speaking, we walk about on our tiptoes, broom and dustpan in hand. Waiting and ready for the next mess. We never allow ourselves to live our own lives. Instead we focus on keeping things neat and tidy for everyone else.


This pressure is magnified in subcultures, such as the Conservative Mennonite culture I was raised in. It’s been some time since I left that culture. Yet, like a tattoo on my shoulder, it’s never completely left me. And that’s not all bad. There has been much good to come out of my upbringing. But in times like the present, I feel a hundred pairs of eyes looking at me. Expecting me to do what I was taught. To swallow my feelings and forgive my husband and throw all my efforts into saving this marriage.


There’s no space for the necessary in-between. The dark, ugly, messy, UN-knowing space. Where one can’t see the end. Where it’s so dark you can’t see a thing at all. Not even your own hands waving in front of your face. You can only feel what you feel. Where you give yourself permission to forget about the end result. And you breathe in the air of the darkness around you until you realize you’re in a womb, not a tomb.

The Womb

I feel like I'm being born again
This awful infidelity
giving me
a fresh start.
A chance to create
the life I want. 
Set my own terms.
Burrow into all the
cracks and crevices
of my tired
worn out life. 
Find all the things
that no longer serve.
Give them a boot
kick them out the door. 
Yes it's painful to see
these ashes.
But they speak to me
of new beginnings.
And I get to choose
my path forward. 
Carve a place
that has room for 
all of me.


This obsession with rushing to get things back to picture-perfect normal is killing us. It’s not life-giving or loving in the least bit. Cleaning up messes we did not make, serves no one but those in power. Rushing to forgiveness so that the other person can come home to you, means you may never get to truly come home to yourself. Quickly fixing things to make the other person comfortable means you may never truly be comfortable again.

Learning to be okay with a period of uncertainty and ambiguity is proving to be life saving for me. It’s giving me a much needed pause from the way my life has been. Allowing me to rest and be. Simply be.

And as I rest, realizations come to me. Rising slowly to the surface where I can sift and sort through. See with clear eyes the things that no longer serve me. Knowing deep in my core that as I learn to fully come home to myself, the rest will eventually fall into place.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

When the Light Dims

Standing at the ocean’s edge, I feel like a woman who has lost everything. I am as worn and diminished as the grains of sand beneath my feet, desperate for a tiny scrap of light to break through the clouds. Needing a sunrise like I have never needed one before. It is one of those mornings when it is hard to tell where my tears end and the gray mist begins. This was me in mid-October…

going silent

Let me back up a bit. I know I’ve gone silent. Pulled into myself like a turtle who needs to hide for a bit. As much as I love words, they fled from me. Vanished. Refused to be crafted. I feel like a woman who has lost everything, even my words.

And I suppose it was a good thing, to be left alone with raw and wild emotions. To fully feel them before I tried to express them in a way that can even begin to make sense.

Yet, even now, these words are getting in the way of me going back to where the story of this grief journey began. Back to October. Back when the leaves were in their riotous dance of color and the sky still held enough blue to make one stop and stare in wonder.

Days that reminded me of the moment, twenty five years ago, when I knew Austin was finally going to ask me out. It was a perfectly glorious Fall day in Brooklyn and I had gone on a long walk to process this news that seemed to good to be true. Feet crunching through piles of bright yellow leaves, giddy with excitement, I felt seen and loved in a way I never had before. And the whole world looked different because of it. More alive. Bright with a hope that lingered on every street corner and whispered through the few city trees. Even the light itself seemed golden and alive.

Broken bits

And now, twenty five years later, I discover that he broke our agreements. That I wasn’t the only one he chose to be intimate with. This October, as my feet crunched through piles of bright yellow leaves, I felt as if I’d been shattered into a thousand pieces. While rain dripped down the cheeks of my city, I stumbled in a world gone dark.

I took a week to go to the ocean and grieve. To be alone and think. To move out of shock and begin to process what this means. And I still don’t know what all of this means. I do know that the world has gone very dark and much of what I thought I knew is now as uncertain as the ice on an Ohio lake after the first spring thaw.

listening

One thing I do know is that I am not going to clean up a mess that I didn’t make. I’m not jumping to fix things. I’m developing a practice of listening. Listening to the little girl inside who is surprising me with her insight. Listening to wise and trusted friends. Leaning into the wisdom of my therapist. I am holding my kids the best I can. They may be grown but they’re hurting a lot right now too.

I’m also listening to Austin, curious to know why he cheated on me. It took me a while to get to a place where I can truly listen without being constantly triggered. We are having deep and vulnerable conversations. It’s hard work and often painful. But we are not hiding our truth from each other.

There is much that I’m holding close and not sharing publicly right now. Truth is, I love Austin and have always believed in him. I have no desire to smear his reputation and I don’t feel a need to share details. But I’m sharing this here because you deserve to know there’s been a hard twist in our story.

Please hold our family in as much love and grace as you can. We are all so broken right now. I ask that you honor our privacy. Give us time to grieve the collapse of life as we knew it. The future, no matter what we decide to do or not do, will be difficult.

And, in case you wonder, after a long walk under a gray sky, this amazing ribbon of orange light shone through and reminded me that darkness is not forever.

You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Happiness in a Mixed Orientation Marriage

When Austin first came out to me 11 years ago, I was desperate to find a support group. A safe place to process what I was feeling with others who understood. Because he wasn’t out publicly, I felt I needed to find an anonymous group. So I began to look online for a group that could give me the support I needed, while hiding both my identity and his.

But my search found nothing at all to give me hope of *happiness in a mixed orientation marriage. The only thing I could find at the time was a group for spouses of persons who struggled with unwanted same sex attraction. While the wording and ideology is so problematic, it was the way we both framed it in the early days. We didn’t have the language, knowledge or tools to see it any other way. While I know now how toxic and shame-inducing it was, it was our starting point.

So I dove in. At first, it was a relief. To be able to give words to my story. To break the silence that I had to wrap myself in while in any other space of life. Realizing there were many others with stories like mine was such a relief.

can there be happiness in a mixed orientation marriage?

But after a few months I began to feel despair instead of hope, when logging into the group. Everyone seemed so sad. Even those who were veterans to the group. There was this pervading feeling of heaviness. Like we had all been burdened with something awful that we would have to carry for the rest of our lives. At best, there were some who were making peace with it. But no one was inspiring us to see it as a gift. There were no voices telling us they had weathered the initial storm of pain and confusion and found something beautiful.

It was like no one believed there could be happiness in a mixed orientation marriage. Or beautiful equality. Breathtaking joy.

I began to log on less and less. Until one day I just stopped. By then I had a small handful of people, a few trusted friends, who walked the journey with me. And they were such light and hope. Unspeakable gifts of grace and love. Though most couldn’t personally identify with my pain, they understood emotional health and self-worth. Their love and support enabled me to navigate my way through some of the darkest days of my life.

Sometimes we long for an outer voice to affirm and guide us when it’s already speaking inside of us.

I suppose, though, that I never stopped longing for a more mature voice, soaked in the wisdom of a crone and wrapped in the wrinkles of one who has loved and been loved, to tell me there can be much happiness in a mixed-orientation marriage. And maybe that voice is out there, though I haven’t found it. Instead, I kept digging into my own inner soul work. Finding healing for my own emotional trauma. Fighting for my own mental health. And in that digging, I heard an echo of that voice I longed to hear. Bouncing softly off the walls in the basement of my soul.

Sometimes we long for an outer voice to affirm and guide us when it’s already speaking inside of us. If only we take the time to quiet the external noise long enough to be still and hear it.

hearing the inner voice

One reason Austin and I decided to be public with our journey, is so those who find themselves in a similar situation will know they are not alone. In fact, according to Two Bi Guys Podcast, 84% of bisexuals who are in a committed relationship are with someone of the opposite sex. Only 9% are with someone of the same gender. We also know there are gay guys with straight wives and lesbian women with straight husbands. There are a lot of us out there.

Finding hope and support from stories like ours or support groups you have found is a good thing. But it will do little until you have learned to quiet the external voices and listen to your inner voice.

And while I am happy to be an external voice of the wise crone, telling you that it is possible to be happy in a mixed orientation marriage, here is an important bit of wisdom I’m giving out for free today. Finding hope and support from stories like ours or support groups you have found is a good thing. But it will do little until you have learned to quiet the external voices and listen to your inner voice. Outer validation does little until you have experienced inner validation.

I know that sometimes life gets too dark and muddled to be able to hear or trust anything inside. There are times when nothing makes sense anymore and you are desperate for a voice to break through the fog and give you reassurance.

If you’re in that place, keep holding on. It will get better.

Whether you are in a mixed orientation relationship or not, getting the support you need is important and it starts with you. Your mental health is important. There are safe spaces and wise people out there and finding them is crucial. But it’s also crucial to remember and uncover your own inner voice that is so full of wisdom.

In the meantime, Austin and I are more than willing to let you know that finding happiness in a mixed-orientation marriage is very possible.

Find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon.

*Happiness can be arbitrary but is used here to convey a general feeling of contentment and wholeness.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Growing Old Together

I love to spend late afternoons in my kitchen. When the sun begins to dip just low enough to shine through the kitchen window and the stove shimmers in dancing waves. It’s the perfect place to let the irritations and heaviness of the day slide off my shoulders. As the oil splutters its welcome to the garlic and onions in the cooking pot, my soul does its own little dance and in that golden light, lightness becomes a little more possible.

The other day I grabbed my kitchen shears and made my way to my front garden plot to snip the first of the chives. Sometimes, when we least expect it, we bump into the sacred. This time it was in the form of a young woman, walking past on the street at the precise moment when I needed to cut chives. And while her story is not mine to tell, I will tell you that being present to my own grief and trauma was my only hope for being present to this woman as she struggled to navigate her own grief and trauma.

At one point in our conversation, our talk moved to marriage. She was surprised to learn we were celebrating 23 years of marriage. I told her it wasn’t always easy. But somewhere along the way, we had decided that we wanted to grow old together.

growing old together

I recall that once in the days immediately following his coming out to me, that Austin turned to me and said, “Marita, I want to grow old with you.” At the time, I was too hurt and confused to know whether or not I wanted the same thing. In fact, it took me a long time.

I can’t point to a particular moment and say, “That’s when I knew”. I do know that I did not try to convince myself or believe that I needed to grow old with him. That I had to stay, no matter what. Given my religious upbringing, this was a little shocking, and yet looking back, that freedom to figure it out was an invaluable gift.

It’s hard to believe we have been married for 23 years. Our gray hairs and wrinkles are only a small part of the map that tells the story of us. We have a castle full of memories, stories born of crazy adventures. A past that binds us together because we want a future filled with the same.

From discovering watermelon shakes on the beach in Thailand to climbing a volcano in Bali with our boys. Sleeping under the stars in Nepal to balancing the 5 of us on one rickshaw in Dhaka. From remodeling a little house in Ohio to birthing a business together. We have traveled the world, literally and metaphorically.

And we’ve come home, in the best way possible, to each other. It’s been a long walk from that spot 23 years ago where I stood with tears rolling down my cheeks, promising to love him forever. To the place where I can’t not love him forever. Because when I look ahead and imagine the future, there is only one pillow I can see myself laying my head on when my hair is completely white and my steps have lost their spring. It’s on the one beside his.

help with the sifting

While I think this question can be helpful for anyone in a relationship, I think it can be especially helpful for those who find themselves in a mixed-orientation marriage and are wondering if they should stay together or not.

Do I want to grow old with this person?

Wherever you find yourself today, whether a mixed-orientation relationship or heteronormative one, the question begs an answer. It can be helpful to sift through the highs and lows that are normal to any relationship.

Can we grow old together? Do I want to grow old together?

If you don’t know the answer right away, it’s okay. Give yourself time to figure it out. Keep being honest with your feelings, even when they are in conflict with each other. Eventually, the answer will make itself known to you.

Find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon.

Want to hear more?


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

No Label Says it All

Last week, Two Bi Guys aired their latest podcast called Three Bi Guys, (with wives)! in which Austin was interviewed. I am so grateful for the work Two Bi Guys are doing, calling attention to the largest but most unseen portion of the queer community. Not only are bisexuals often unseen, but they are also likely the most misunderstood.

Since Austin came out, I have been astounded by the assumptions, gossip, and slander towards him, and the bi community as a whole. Often coming from people within the faith community. This is wrong and needs to stop.

What I appreciate about this podcast, is the honest glimpse into the lives of three different bi guys. Bisexuality is a mystery and there is no box to easily put bi people into. No label says it all. While hearing from three different bi guys will not give you a complete picture of what it means to be bi, it will certainly give you a much better understanding of the complexity and fluidity of what it can mean to be bisexual.

levels of coming out

The night before the episode was due to drop, I was a mess. I don’t sleep well at the best of times, so I certainly did not sleep well that night. I was worried that I might discover something new, some new level of coming out.

In the episode, Austin mentions how he came out to me before we were married. Suffice it to say that whatever he said was so subtle that I did not pick up on it. At all.

If you have read my blog from the beginning, you will know there have been various levels of coming out. To the point that sometimes I worry that there may be more. Sometimes I’m afraid that if I make peace with the way things are, something new will come up.

learning to verbalize

Part of being a survivor of childhood trauma means having learned to survive by always expecting something terrible to happen. It’s what gave some of us the skills to scan the room and read body language. The only way we could survive was by always being ready, always having an exit strategy or a hiding mechanism.

But you and I, we are not children anymore. For me, a very important step in healing and moving on, has been to verbalize instead of exiting or hiding.

So I verbalized. It seems simple but it took excruciating effort on my part. To tell him I had trouble sleeping because I was scared. Because I felt vulnerable. We talked about it. He saw me and his words comforted me.

It’s so easy to sabotage some of the simple steps to healing and wholeness. It may be a completely different set of circumstances for you. Whatever it is, keep showing up for yourself. You matter and you are worth it.

no label says it all

It was a couple of days later that I listened to the podcast. I loved it. I also loved him more for being so honest and real and funny. And I was grateful that I had faced my fears and been vulnerable with him about them. It freed something up inside so I could really sit back and soak up the podcast.

I hope you will take the time to listen to this episode. The fine folks in this interview will show you how beautiful, unique, and mysterious a thing it is to be bisexual. No label says it all so please, stop making assumptions, keep your heart open and take this opportunity to educate yourself.

Find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon.

Want to hear more?


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Happily Ever After

I spent my childhood outdoors, as much as possible. Making imaginary homes under the pine trees or tucked into a hillside. When the heat became too much to bear, my friends and I would spend long afternoons inside. We would raid my mom’s lingerie stash and dress up. There was a long flowing white gown with a matching robe that was perfect for playing bride. I spent hours imagining what it would be like to get married. Like most girls, I couldn’t wait for some prince charming to sweep me off my feet and live happily ever after.

Austin certainly did sweep me off my feet but the happily ever after part is still working itself out. Don’t get me wrong. We have many moments of happiness. But a good marriage takes a lot of work.

Studies show that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. For those in Mixed Orientation Marriages, (MOM) only an average of 20% stay together.

Austin came out to me just before our 12th anniversary. That was nearly 11 years ago and we are still together. Not because of cultural or religious obligations. But because we wanted to make it work. Despite the pain, confusion and all the unknowns, we wanted to grow old together.

I’ve been working on a list of ideas. Things that have helped us do more than just survive these past 11 years. And I can’t wait to share these thoughts with you.

But it would all be pointless if I didn’t start here.

With Honesty.

Without honesty, there can be no happily ever after.

Before we were married, Austin struggled to decide whether or not to come out to me. Many he went to for advice said the same thing. That it would be best not to tell me. That it would just make it harder for me.

So we married and I was in complete ignorance. I feel at times that the whole world knew he was queer before I did. My gaydar was nonexistent, thanks to my conservative religious upbringing. I was led to believe that it was impossible for queer people to be Christians. It didn’t enter my mind that anyone around me could possibly be queer.

before

The early years of marriage were quite good. We had lots of fun. Didn’t fight. Traveled the world. I felt seen and loved in ways I never had before. We had a couple of babies. Settled into life. For a while it felt like happily ever after.

But unbeknownst to me, Austin was Bi. That part didn’t go away when he got married, as he had hoped. If he brought it up to a friend or counselor, they still gave the same advise. To not tell me. So he kept it to himself, cordoning off a very real part of who he is. Stuffing it deeper into the closet.

So much energy was being spent on hiding that he didn’t have the energy to truly live. Or love.

Here’s the thing. No matter who you are, how adept you are at stuffing and hiding, it takes its toll. So much energy was being spent on hiding that he didn’t have the energy to truly live. Or love.

Eventually, I picked up that something was wrong. I just didn’t know what. Couldn’t put my finger on it. But I knew that whatever it was, we were in trouble.

after

I’m glad Austin finally decided to come out to me. To bring his whole self to our marriage. But I have to be honest. The weight of hidden truths and in-authenticity grows over time. The cost of honesty grows the longer it goes. It was crushing to realize that the man I thought I had married was not who I had been led to believe he was. Everything we had was built on an illusion. It was a blow to my self-esteem and it tested all of the painstaking work I had done to heal from my own painful past. And now we had 3 little boys to think about. There was no way to just hit the pause button and figure things out.

If you’ve read my blog from the beginning, you will know that we found our way. Bit by bit. But it was difficult. Many straight spouses decide not to stay and I get that.

It’s not easy to realize the person you love the most has been hiding something from you.

I know that Austin had his reasons. But this is not a post about him. This is a post about how those reasons ended up hurting me. How his decision devastated me.

If you are in the closet, wondering whether or not to come out to the person you love, this post is also for you. If you love someone, that person deserves your honesty. They deserve to see the whole you. And you deserve to be able to show them the whole you. It’s true that they could leave you, scattering pieces of your broken heart in the mud. Yet, wouldn’t you rather be seen and loved for who you really are than them loving a fake version of yourself that you have to work so hard to keep up with? If it is meant to be, you will both find your way through and will have a love story of the century.

You must learn to love your whole self before you can truly love others. There is no happily ever after without honesty. Without stepping into wholeness and authenticity. You deserve it. The person you love deserves it too.

to the gatekeepers

My final thoughts are for the larger community, especially religious communities. The shame that keeps people in the closet starts with you. I hate to break it to you, but you are the gatekeepers that lead to much pain. Sometimes broken marriages. Or depression. Sometimes even suicide. There are more mixed-orientation marriages among you than you will ever know. So much unnecessary pain. Hiding. Betrayal.

Imagine, instead, being gatekeepers of authenticity. Honesty. Thriving. Imagine creating a community where no one has to hide a part of themselves in order to be accepted. The love and life that would flow from a place like that just might be enough to heal the broken world.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.