I love to spend late afternoons in my kitchen. When the sun begins to dip just low enough to shine through the kitchen window and the stove shimmers in dancing waves. It’s the perfect place to let the irritations and heaviness of the day slide off my shoulders. As the oil splutters its welcome to the garlic and onions in the cooking pot, my soul does its own little dance and in that golden light, lightness becomes a little more possible.

The other day I grabbed my kitchen shears and made my way to my front garden plot to snip the first of the chives. Sometimes, when we least expect it, we bump into the sacred. This time it was in the form of a young woman, walking past on the street at the precise moment when I needed to cut chives. And while her story is not mine to tell, I will tell you that being present to my own grief and trauma was my only hope for being present to this woman as she struggled to navigate her own grief and trauma.

At one point in our conversation, our talk moved to marriage. She was surprised to learn we were celebrating 23 years of marriage. I told her it wasn’t always easy. But somewhere along the way, we had decided that we wanted to grow old together.

growing old together

I recall that once in the days immediately following his coming out to me, that Austin turned to me and said, “Marita, I want to grow old with you.” At the time, I was too hurt and confused to know whether or not I wanted the same thing. In fact, it took me a long time.

I can’t point to a particular moment and say, “That’s when I knew”. I do know that I did not try to convince myself or believe that I needed to grow old with him. That I had to stay, no matter what. Given my religious upbringing, this was a little shocking, and yet looking back, that freedom to figure it out was an invaluable gift.

It’s hard to believe we have been married for 23 years. Our gray hairs and wrinkles are only a small part of the map that tells the story of us. We have a castle full of memories, stories born of crazy adventures. A past that binds us together because we want a future filled with the same.

From discovering watermelon shakes on the beach in Thailand to climbing a volcano in Bali with our boys. Sleeping under the stars in Nepal to balancing the 5 of us on one rickshaw in Dhaka. From remodeling a little house in Ohio to birthing a business together. We have traveled the world, literally and metaphorically.

And we’ve come home, in the best way possible, to each other. It’s been a long walk from that spot 23 years ago where I stood with tears rolling down my cheeks, promising to love him forever. To the place where I can’t not love him forever. Because when I look ahead and imagine the future, there is only one pillow I can see myself laying my head on when my hair is completely white and my steps have lost their spring. It’s on the one beside his.

help with the sifting

While I think this question can be helpful for anyone in a relationship, I think it can be especially helpful for those who find themselves in a mixed-orientation marriage and are wondering if they should stay together or not.

Do I want to grow old with this person?

Wherever you find yourself today, whether a mixed-orientation relationship or heteronormative one, the question begs an answer. It can be helpful to sift through the highs and lows that are normal to any relationship.

Can we grow old together? Do I want to grow old together?

If you don’t know the answer right away, it’s okay. Give yourself time to figure it out. Keep being honest with your feelings, even when they are in conflict with each other. Eventually, the answer will make itself known to you.

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