When Austin came out publicly last spring, we expected questions and criticism, with a smattering of support. What we didn’t expect was uninformed gossip and automatic assumptions that could not be further from the truth.

Let me just say it as I see it. Straight people are preoccupied with sexuality. The minute my husband came out as bi, a whole lot of straight people around us suddenly started thinking he was having sex with other men or bringing men home to have threesomes in our bedroom. We know this because friends heard it through the grapevine and approached us about it.

I can’t even wrap my mind around this. No human being should be objectified in this way.

For all the talk from straight Christians especially, who assume the moral high-ground, I can’t wrap my head around it. As soon as a person from the LGBTQ+ community comes out, their minds seem to go immediately to sexual acts.

Adolescent minds

Let’s be clear. For some people, straight or queer, life revolves around sex. For most of us, however, straight or queer, sex is one part of the bigger picture. Queer people have the same desire the rest of us have – to have a relationship with someone who gets us. We all want to be known and loved for who we are. To laugh deep belly laughs or walk laps at the park. Someone to help raise kids and turn house into home. They, like us, want someone to share life with and to grow old with.

Coming out as LGBTQ+ should never turn someone into a sexual object. Yet, that is what the straight community has done over and over. We have stopped seeing them as fellow humans and have put them into a box that is objectifying and harmful.

It’s extremely adolescent of us. I once had 3 teenage boys. Now I have 2. Soon it will only be 1. The point is, I know the mind of adolescent males. And I see many grown-ups acting in a very similar fashion.

Imagine introducing the person you love and realizing that your friends can’t really see the person you love because all they can think about is something they have no business thinking about.

So, seriously, stop thinking about sex. Stop trying to figure out how it is done. Imagine others thinking about you in that way. Instead, see them as fellow human beings who have more in common with you than not. No human being should be objectified in this way.

And, for the love of all that is good and kind, stop spreading gossip. The biggest lies and most hurtful gossip have drifted our way from one of the most conservative Christian communities in our state. This makes the idea of moral high ground disappear rather quickly if you ask me.

Understanding Orientation

I find it helpful to remember that L, G, B, & Q are about orientation. GLAAD Media gives this definition –

Sexual Orientation – The scientifically accurate term for an individual’s enduring physical, romantic and/ or emotional attraction to members of the same and/or opposite sex, including lesbian, gay, bisexual, and heterosexual (straight) orientations. Avoid the offensive term “sexual preference,” which is used to suggest that being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is voluntary and therefore “curable.” People need not have had specific sexual experiences to know their own sexual orientation; in fact, they need not have had any sexual experience at all.

For some, it may be primarily a physical attraction, for some, it’s more about a romantic attraction. Still others feel an emotional attraction.

We are all complex human beings and we have enough going on in our own hearts and heads that we really don’t have time to be the moral police for others.

And please remember that orientation is about attractions that may or may not indicate actions. There is great danger in jumping to conclusions. No human being should be objectified in this way.

Helpful tips

If you have someone queer in your life and aren’t sure how to respond, here are some ideas.

Start by seeing them as humans first, who have more in common with you than not.

Become familiar with LGBTQ+ terms and definitions. Here is a good place to start.

Avoid using the term lifestyle. It is offensive and assumes you think they are living in a morally reprehensible way. This is both outdated and inaccurate.

Turn in your moral police badge. It’s not your job to judge another human being. But it is your job to judge your own level of kindness.

Treat them the same way you would want to be treated. Welcome their partner, if they have one, in the same way you would want your partner to be welcomed.

Just be a friend. It can be extremely lonely for queer people on this side of the closet door. Many have lost family and friends. They’ve been misunderstood, judged and cast out. The silence from those who don’t know what to say is overwhelmingly loud. No human being deserves to be objectified in this way, so be the person who breaks the silence. Who welcomes and sees them as another human on the journey.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.