You cradle me in the darkness.
The palm of your hand a giant womb.
I curl my body into the stillness,
Breathing the air offered in this space.
Quiet, darkness, stillness.
If the darkness would not come,
I would exhaust myself with doing
and forget to rest.
But here in the darkness
the quiet seed splits and dies.
By learning to rest in this quiet darkness
beauty rises from the hard split shell and
like a phoenix rising from the ashes,
I find my life again.

The early days, after Austin came out to me, were an upheaval that came alive and breathed heavily down our necks. After a decade of being volunteers, traveling the world with our babies and immersing ourselves in the warmth and beauty of other cultures, we found ourselves back on the shores of our homeland. Ready or not, we were starting over once again.

Austin had exchanged his dream job of designing under a development agency in Bangladesh for a graphic design job in Ohio. We both were doing the inner work of finding authenticity but that didn’t pay the bills. Our marriage was in shambles and we both struggled with depression as we navigated the inner landscapes of pain.

In the midst of trying to figure out if our Mixed Orientation Marriage would work, we did the unthinkable. We started a business. Together. We had no money, no business background, no sales experience and very little energy.

Ripple effects

The smoke was still rising from the ashes when the opportunity fell into our lap. A friend we had gotten to know during our time in Bangladesh, Samantha Morshed, was running a large and growing Fair Trade business that trained women in the rural areas of Bangladesh to knit and crochet baby items. The brand, Pebble, is characterized by an amigurumi style and features a variety of rattles, hats, blankets and stuffed toys.

Pebble grew out of one mamma’s heart who saw how so many women in Bangladesh leave their babies with extended family and move to the city to find work. Often they live in the slums and work long days in the garment factories in unsafe and poorly paid situations. Isolated from the safety of family, they are left vulnerable and are often taken advantage of.

A desire to keep babies with their mothers inspired Samantha to gather a few women around her and teach them how to knit and crochet. She started with 12 women in 2004 and, by the time we met her, it had grown to employ more than 2000 women. Today, more than 120 Pebble centers have opened throughout rural Bangladesh, giving fair wages and steady employment to more than 13,000 women. They can walk to work, taking their babies with them. Entire communities are being transformed by the ripple effects of women who are valued, given a voice, equality, and financial freedom. You can watch a short video here, to learn more about Pebble.

If you’ve followed this blog from the beginning, you will know how difficult it was for us to leave Bangladesh. The people in this beautiful country had captured our hearts and changed our outlook of the world. When Samantha asked us to be her US distributors for Pebble, we saw it as an opportunity to stay connected to this land where strangers are welcomed and curry constantly wafts on the breeze.

Building something new

We named our business Kahiniwalla, which means storyteller in Bangla. We started small, ordering one or two boxes of product at at time, shipping through the postal system. Austin would reach out to potential customers in the evenings or weekends, eventually cutting back his hours at his day job so he could put more time into Kahiniwalla. I did the book work and the fulfillment.

Despite the fact that we didn’t know what we were doing, it grew. Within 4 years we both quit our part time jobs and were working full time for Kahiniwalla. Together.

It was more than a little crazy while, for the next 4 years, a we worked out of our tiny home. The rooms were literally bursting with Pebble boxes, as we had now moved to importing partial container loads by sea. The kitchen, bathrooms and boys’ bedrooms were the only rooms not overtaken in some way with Pebble inventory, with the attic housing the bulk of the boxes. When shipments came in, we moved our dining table into the living room to use as a work station and we would fill the dining room, floor to ceiling with boxes. In the winter, we donned coats and gloves to do our work in our unfinished, uninsulated attic, filling orders for customers. Conversely, in the summer, we would drip with sweat.

No going back

After moments of shattering, it is impossible for life to get back to what it was before. After Austin came out to me, as much as I wanted to get back to the old normal, there was no going back. The choice was to separate and start over separately, or stay together and build something new. Kahiniwalla became our new tangible thing that we built together, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

It’s almost unbelievable how this new thing fit us each so well. Austin is a people person and loves to tell stories, so traveling to trade shows and interacting with customers is the perfect fit for him. His creative side shows in the ads he creates, photography he does, and instagram posts.

As an introvert, I love to be at home, fill orders and maintain the books. I enjoy writing blog posts for the business. When shipments come in, I love to organize everything. Our personalities and skills fit together like a glove. Despite the craziness of starting a business in our circumstances and living on very little income for the next decade, it served to draw us together and grow our love.

I would not advise another couple to start a business together when their marriage is rocking on the precipice of ruin. Not much about it made logical sense. All I know is that in surrendering to the journey, our hearts first led us deep into the darkness until we found something magical rising from the ashes.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.