Posted on by palmtreemomma

How It Should Be

This is how it should be.


The world on the edge of its seat. Holding a collective breath. Calling out the monsters. Sending up prayers for peace. Linking invisible fingers to push back the violence.


Some of us are seeing bravery for the first time. Raw, pure utter bravery that stems from love. Love for a country. Ukraine. For its children and grandchildren. Love for freedom. For home. Old men who show up at the front lines. Young men who have never held a real weapon before. Doing what they can with what they have. Following a leader who refuses to run and hide. Volunteers from neighboring countries crossing the border to help.


Neighboring countries opening up borders to give shelter to refugees. Changing policies quickly to save lives. Finding ways to accommodate. To welcome.

This is how it should be.


We post pictures of Russian protesters. Peacefully risking their lives for what they believe in. We sit in awe of their bravery. Knowing the world may never see them again. So we pray for their safety.


This is how it should be.


Violence should be condemned. Heroes should be sung. Children should be sheltered. Homelands should be safe.


And I’m so glad the world seems to be coming together to decry this violence. This utter ruthless violence that speaks not of strength but of a bully.


But honestly, there’s a place in my heart that is heavy. For all the other heroes left unsung. All the black and brown children left un-sheltered. The trans kids who even now are having laws made that threaten their very existence. The refugees from countries like Afghanistan, who have had a long history of living under Russia’s violence, being turned away. Black and brown protesters attacked for walking peacefully in their cities. Parents with a different skin tone than ours, criticized for fleeing their own war torn home and told to go back to their country.

Compassion should not be selective.


Like a mother’s womb, it grows and swells to hold and protect the life it shelters. Compassion is marked with stretch marks. Gentle hands caressing the places its been kicked from the inside. It recognizes life and protects it. Whether Ukrainian, Syrian, Afghani, Honduran, Guatemalan, Congolese, Rohingya or Uighur . Straight or queer. Muslim or Christian. Male or Female.


So maybe the next time you see Black Lives Matter protesters holding signs on the street corner of your city, you will remember how you admired the Russian protesters. Maybe you can find the courage to get out of your car and go stand with them. Plant your feet beside theirs. Bear witness to their stories of courage. Their fight for a world that is safe for their babies to grow up in. Like the Russian protesters, they know they too could disappear. It happens. Even in these United States. Maybe you will choose to stand with those who are denouncing violence. Believe their stories. This is how it should be.


Perhaps the next time you see a young mother speaking to her children in a language you do not understand, you will remember the language of compassion. Instead of telling her to go back to her country, you will welcome her to yours. This is how it should be.


I hope that next time you see a person who doesn’t quite fit into any gender box that you are familiar with. Or is wearing their colors and being unabashedly authentic. Perhaps you will remember the bravery of Ukraine. Perhaps you can dig down and find some of that bravery yourself and be a safe person for queer folks in your community. This is how it should be.


You see, you can either be a monster or you can help fight them.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

An Equal Place

In my last post I shared how the church we attended went through a formal discerning period to decide whether or not we would be welcoming. Today I would like to lean into the idea further and talk about what it means to be affirming.

In spaces that are affirming, everyone is welcomed and celebrated, not just tolerated. There is an equal place at the table for everyone and equal opportunities to serve and be served. It looks a lot like equality and is the antithesis of discrimination.

Closer than you think

An estimated 4.5% of the population of the United States identify themselves as being LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender). If you add those who identify as Intersex , Asexual, or Non-binary, the numbers would be even higher.

This number does not necessarily decrease in churches. Statistically speaking, if you are sitting with 200 people on any given Sunday morning, there are at least 9 people around you who identify as queer. If your church is not a safe place for them, they are in the closet or cage, as some have called it.

These are your brothers, your sisters, your children. Your aunts and uncles, even grandparents. They are your people and they are nearer to you than you think. Imagine sitting up to Grandma’s table over the holidays with your extended family, tables overflowing. You look and see everyone welcome but not everyone is given a plate of food. Not everyone is given a place to serve. Some watch, hungry, so hungry. You say they are welcome, you say they are loved. But still they are hungry. Alone. Confused. You might as well not have welcomed them when the welcome is conditional.

What if we have it wrong?

Once you have lived this reality instead of talked about this issue, this looks a whole lot different. From where I am standing, the things we expect of our queer brothers and sisters are heartless. God is not heartless and does not discriminate. When I read the ancient texts, I see a Divine heart that calls everyone to the table.

What if there were another way we could look at this? Studies have repeatedly shown that sexual orientation is not a choice. I cannot imagine a loving God creating 4.5% of the population with orientations that he actually hates. Does this not niggle inside of you, jostling long held ideas, passed down generation after generation? What if we are the ones who have interpreted it all wrong?

To discriminate against a creature that is loved by the Divine is an unspeakable loss that leaves the rest of creation keening and reeling in chaos.

Imagine that we get to the end of our life and discover that God truly does hate 4.5% of the US because of their sexual orientation, this part of them that they did not choose. If God hates them but we were loving and affirming, they will have lived their life with a place at the table, treated with equality, and died knowing they were loved. It doesn’t affect me at that point (other then regretting that I had followed a God who hates). But what if God loves them enough to give them an equal place at the table and I was the one who shut them out? Then I am the one who has lost the most.

To discriminate against a creature that is loved by the Divine is an unspeakable loss that leaves the rest of creation keening and reeling in chaos.

An Equal Place at the table

One Sunday morning I was served communion by a transgender woman. As I took my bread to dip in the cup, I looked into her blue eyes as clear as glass and saw a soul that had found rest. Her blessing washed over me and I felt knots in my soul loosening and long held biases slipping away. It was the holiest of communions for me. We stood as equals, yet she was light years ahead of me in terms of bravery and authenticity. I humbly received the symbol of life from one who had died a thousand deaths and bravely chosen life.

Creating an equal place at the table creates beautiful space for light to shine through. We may even lose a place of prominence but we will be enriched by the presence of some of the world’s kindest and most decent souls. I should know; I’m married to one. Those who have died a thousand deaths and bravely continue to choose life are the very ones we need to model bravery and kindness in a time of so much division and hate.

Voices of others

I’d like to give space for the voices of others who speak so well on this topic. Here are links to a few –

Patrick Gothman tells a similar story here of being at a family table, welcomed but not equal. His story illustrates what it feels like to be gay in a non-affirming church.

Kimberly Knight shares that the difference between welcoming and affirming is equality.

Beckett Hanan tells what non-affirming actually means.

Sarah Bessey shares her journey of becoming affirming in Penny in the Air.

In his book Does Jesus Really Love Me? , Jeff Chu talks about the year he spent traveling across the US. He met with gay Christians across the country and shares story after story of churches and gay people that are all over the spectrum. Some with very closed doors, some welcoming, and some affirming.

If you are interested in finding a church that offers an equal place at the table, Church Clarity helps to score churches on issues of both LGBTQ policy and women in leadership.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Photo courtesy of Adrienne Gerber Photography.