Sometimes I long to return to the days when life was normal. Those early days were so rich and sweet. It was just the two of us nestled away from the big world. When this shy girl with so many wounds was being healed by a love so beautiful, some days she thought she would die from its depth.

While I would never, ever, tell anyone to hide their sexual identity from their significant other, I sometimes wish to go back to that former naivete. I wish I could look at my husband and believe that I was enough for him. That our love satisfies so deeply that he has no other longings.

Reality of duality

Sometimes there are no words to really describe the ache, of knowing the reality of duality. I am loved. I am desired. Deeply. Unconditionally. Yet I am not the only longing.

And while I know it is not about me or my enoughness or lack thereof, it brings me pain. I could work on my issues all day long, every day, but I believe there would still be some pain regardless.

I do not know how to reconcile this. Is it enough to stand tall in my worth, to set boundaries and have conversation after conversation?

That’s just it. Sometimes I am tired of the conversations. I just want to be. To be in love and rest in love. Holidays are never just holidays and sometimes I just want to go back to those normal days. Sometimes I just want to go on a date with my husband, to dress up and be noticed and admired by him. To go and sip drinks without having to think. Normal conversations and nothing else. No testing the waters to be sure he is still with me, that the longings for another are not more than he or I can bear.

It exhausts me. As much as we love each other, I still sometimes have moments of wondering if we will make it.

This is my life as the wife of a bi guy. So much love but so many questions. Such depth of commitment yet such mind-boggling duality. After all these years, I still feel like I am a yo-yo.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.