Posted on by palmtreemomma

Promises of Love

Soon after I re-entered the dating world, posts and reels began to come across my feed. Promising to provide the magical words to say to keep a potential partner interested. Words to say if they were pulling away and you wanted them back. Words that would tie them to you forever. So that the right person would fall in love with you forever.

These ads all started with an alluring story or a glittering promise. Enough substance to pull me in and make me read to the end of a very long post, only to discover I had to sign up for a course. Or buy a book.

It was all very glittery and compelling. Especially after a particularly disappointing interaction that ended with me being ghosted by a guy I really liked. So I began to question who I was and how I was showing up. I didn’t know what I was doing. The dating world I discovered in my 50s was not at all like it was in my 20s. And here were all these experts who had a magical answer. A golden key to quickly help me find the person I was looking for.

Magical words

I confess I even broke down. Bought a book in the middle of a long night when I couldn’t sleep. Read the whole thing. Only to find more promises if I bought a few more books. Without giving me the magical words the author had so clearly promised in the beginning.

I was a lot more skeptical after that. Decided I wasn’t going to spend any more money on false promises. Dated a couple more guys and suddenly I was very glad there weren’t any magical words in that first book. Because all it took was a little time and one guy who had a lot more character for me to realize that all the ones who had let me down were clearly not the ones for me. And if I had taken the advice of all those expensive love advisors, I would have ended up with the wrong person. Not to mention an empty bank account.

True love

Here is what I discovered about love. When you have gone on a healing journey and love the person you have become. Let go of the past and forgiven those who wronged you. When you are truly standing in wholeness and are living in authenticity, finding love is not an exhausting mind game. You don’t have to present yourself just right. Or find magical words to say. You will naturally attract the right person to you.

And the right person will fall in love with the real person you are, without even trying.

This is not to say that there’s not good advice out there. Or that it doesn’t matter how you present yourself. But today’s dating culture is furiously full of mind games. And there are lots of traps along the way. That cost time and money and slowly chip away at your confidence.

It doesn’t have to be this way. If you are one of the brave ones who has put yourself back out there, I want to encourage you that there is hope. You can buy books and sign up for magical love classes but beware of anything that promises an easy path to love. Or makes you play a part in a mind game.

Attracting love

Focus, instead, on becoming the person you want to be. Build a life that sustains you. Learn how to feed your own hunger and dry your own tears. Embrace who you are with love and tenderness. Dig deep into healing. Do the hard work of becoming the best version of yourself. And keep doing it, no matter how many people swipe right or left on you. Be willing to wait for one who checks all the boxes. Don’t settle for crumbs when you deserve a whole feast.

And if you’re left hanging.

Alone.

Again.

Let them go. You will never have to beg the right one to come back.

The right one will love you effortlessly. And you will find a kind of magic that defies logic and heals all the tired scars in your beautiful soul that you have mended and tended to for all those years on your own. The right one won’t keep you up at night, wondering how you should respond or feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. You will be able to relax fully into who you already are.

Because the right person will fall in love with the real person you are, without even trying.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Mixed Orientation Relationships

I have heard many times that our story gave hope to couples in similar situations. So I imagine that the ending of our marriage has brought up a lot of questions for some of you regarding your own relationship.

I still believe that mixed orientation relationships can work. Just because ours did not work out in the end, does not mean yours will not. I think, however, there are some key factors to consider, which include honesty, authenticity, and integrity.

honesty

If you want the best chance of your relationship working, experience has taught me that honesty is vital. Learn to be honest from the beginning. It is not fair to your partner if you hide this part of yourself. They deserve to know the real you. Every day you hide it, it becomes a bigger piece of negativity between you because you wouldn’t hide something you believed was positive in your life. And if you can’t see it as something positive in your life, perhaps any relationship should be put on hold until you heal this relationship with your own self. This duplicity sets the stage for both of you to have a hard time accepting it when it does come out.

And it will eventually come out in some way, shape, or form. When you hide something, it’s still there. And the amount of energy you expend to suppress it will take a toll on your relationship.

In the months leading up to when Austin came out to me, I knew something was going on. Could feel it. Our relationship was not in a good place. Something was there, but I just didn’t know what it was. As hard as it was to know the truth, a sense of relief came with it. I was glad to finally know what was going on.

But I have always wished he could have been honest with me from the beginning. I deserved to know this vital part of him. And I deserved to decide for myself whether I wanted to be in a mixed orientation marriage or not.

The other piece of advice I have for those who are on the fence about coming out to your partner is in the form of a question. A question that comes from the assumption that your hesitancy is borne from fear that you may loose your partner if you are honest. I understand that there may be many other reasons for your hesitancy. But my question is this.

Do you deserve to be with someone who loves and accepts all of you? Perhaps, in your fear, you are selling yourself short. If your partner cannot handle the truth, are they really someone you want to be with? Don’t settle for less than you deserve.

If you are out to your partner, honesty is just as vital in your relationship. It plays a key role in navigating tough topics such as expectations and needs regarding monogamy, open relationships, and so much more.

That being said, I understand that there are reasons why some choose to never come out to their partners. In the end, you have to do what is best for you and I cannot judge you for that. This is simply my perspective as a former straight spouse.

Authenticity

While honesty has to do with revealing who you are, authenticity is more about becoming who you are meant to be. It is about creating a life for yourself that flows instead of being forced or hidden. Authenticity is about embracing all that you are and bringing forth the light and love that is in you. It is about working on yourself. Not to fit into a mold of some kind. But working on yourself to be the very best person you can be. It requires honesty. But perhaps it is an honest answer to the question of how you can best love yourself. It is digging in and getting to the core of the beautiful soul that you are and embracing it.

If I were a flower, honesty would be saying that I am a rose. Authenticity would be building the best flower bed possible and filling it with nutrient dense soil so that the rose bush can flourish.

Your relationship will only flourish to the level of your authenticity.

integrity

Honesty and authenticity set the stage for the best possible relationship. But integrity is about the way you handle yourself as you dance on that stage. It’s about being in alignment with your truth. Keeping the promises you made to your self and each other. And having the courage to look at those promises if they are no longer working.

Integrity is how you present yourself. It’s showing up as the best version of yourself, whether anyone is watching or not. And it is about never forgetting that the best moves in this dance of life are only possible on the stage of honesty and authenticity.

equality

One more thing worth noting here is that the needs of each of you are equally important. If one of you is suppressing needs because the other can’t or won’t honor those needs, it will be impossible for your relationship to flourish. It is not enough to put in the work to make the other person happy, if your own needs are not being met.

This is where some tough conversations may come in. Keep honesty, authenticity, and integrity by your side. Be brave enough to ask the hard questions. Are you able to give your partner what they need and still be in integrity with yourself? Can your partner truly give you what you need, if they wish to remain authentic?

In the end, for us, it wasn’t really about the cheating. Yet the cheating acted as a wake up call and showed us where we were not living in alignment with these core principals of honesty, authenticity, integrity and equality. There were areas we both needed to be honest about. There were things each of us needed in order to live in authenticity. And we reached the point where we could not provide those things for the other and still be true to ourselves.

For us, returning to honesty, authenticity, and integrity allowed us to navigate the ending of our marriage in the best possible way. Without bitterness or hatred. These practices did not negate the grief or sadness, but helped us, rather, to navigate through all the feelings that came up.

No matter what type of relationship you find yourself in, I hope you will be brave enough to show up honestly, authentically, and with deep integrity. It is the best gift you can give yourself.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Re-shaping

a family that is re-shaping itself

Twenty five years ago we spent the day smiling for photos, saying “I do”, serving burritos and six different flavors of homemade cake to our guests. The day was full of funny stories, delicious flavors and our favorite people. We walked out to our borrowed car at the end of the day, jaws aching from smiling so much. Sure that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

Today we spent the day sorting through our attic, dividing up mementos from these last twenty five years. We laughed at some of the silly things we saved and shared many “remember when” stories. It was bittersweet. When I opened the box of Christmas decorations and pulled out the handmade Kantha stockings that represent each person in our family, I fell apart for a bit. All the love we have in this wild and wonderful family came rushing in and it’s hard to imagine this change.

But this change does not make us a broken family. We are just a family that is re-shaping itself. This doesn’t mean we failed. Or fell short. We both poured our hearts into this beautiful family. And have no regrets. Instead we hold so much love and gratitude for what we’ve had and will continue to have. Just in re-shaped ways.

crumbling

Each of us will have moments in life where the things we have built will crumble in one way or the other. Crumbling doesn’t mean failure. It’s not the end of the world, even though it may feel like it for a long time. Crumbling, while incredibly painful, is also a gift. It is the opportunity to re-shape our life. To discard ways of being that have not served us well. And to build again in ways that honor the deepest, truest parts of ourselves.

Twenty five years ago, we built a life together using the tools we had. We did the best we could and crafted so much beauty and joy. But we have learned so much about ourselves along the way. Faced our own deep pain and traumas. Given each other a safe place to heal. And the healing we have found has changed us each in ways we could not have imagined. We are not the same people that said “I do” twenty five years ago.

If we had remained the same people that we were when we started this journey, we would have failed. Success is not a state of being; it is being present in the journey of wholeness. It is staying with the journey, not an ideal. And our journey has brought us to a place where our paths are separating.

bittersweet

The past couple of weeks have been full of practical steps towards this separation. We agreed on an attorney and filled out paperwork to start the legal process of divorce. We’ve started the task of physically going through the house and dividing up things. I’m looking at houses in a place I have wanted to move to for a very long time. We’re figuring out how to keep running our business and so much more.

It’s a time of both sadness and happiness. A time of remembering and looking ahead. It’s full of feelings and emotions, laughter and tears. It’s bittersweet in the best of ways.

I never imagined that this would be me. But the life I imagined didn’t turn out the way I expected so now I get to re-imagine. Relocate. Rebuild. In so many ways, my worst fears have been realized. And I didn’t die like I thought I would. I’m still here. Stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been before.

Don’t be afraid of the crumbling. Re-shaping your life might end up being the best gift you could receive.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

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Almost Erased

In my introductory post, Torn Wings, I wrote about my dream of a butterfly. A graceful creature I saw who pulled herself out of the mud and muck, and flew across the ocean. The light shown through massive holes in her wings, and yet, she flew. I knew she was both me as an individual, as well as all of us who give voice to the feminine. That beautiful part of the divine that those in power have tried to erase.

In my dream, I watched in amazement as she flew bravely out over the water. With each beat of her wings she put distance between herself and those who had riddled her wings with holes. She carried a power that shattered the belief that the feminine is more fragile. Weaker. Less than. Something controllable.

Today I carry her on my shoulder. Nestled close to my heart. Her wings have healed and she has found her name. Mukti.

Becoming Free

Mukti is heard in many languages across Southeast Asia and carries with it the idea of setting or becoming free. What began as a dream on a hot summer night in Bangladesh, a few months before my husband came out, has become my Mukti, a symbol of hope and healing. Of both setting and becoming free.

Her journey is far from finished. I have her on my shoulder to remind me of where we have been and where we are going. As the artist knit threads of ink together beneath my skin, I did what she taught me. Breathe through the pain. Slowly. In and out. Again and again.

Finding our Mukti

Many us feel exhausted and brokenhearted today. As if our wings have just been riddled with fresh holes. What the Supreme Court did today shows me that the Patriarchy is afraid. This isn’t about life; it’s all about control. If it weren’t so heartbreaking, it would almost be laughable. This grasp at control. But the way of the feminine is not about control. It is about love and equality.

We refuse to be erased by showing the holes that have been put into our wings – and flying anyway.

This movement of beating wings has grown massive over the past few decades. And the Patriarchy is terrified. They are trying desperately to control us. And if they can’t control us, to erase us.

The butterfly I saw pulling herself out of the muck and flying out across the ocean, was for me that day. But today it is for all of us. We can’t be controlled and we will not be erased.

We will grieve for today. Hold each other and weep. But this is not the end. The muck cannot hold us down. We’ve pulled ourselves out before and we will do it again. Keep beating our wings until we find our Mukti once again. We refuse to be erased by showing the holes that have been put into our wings – and flying anyway.

Want to hear more? Contact me here to be added to my mailing list. You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon.

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Happily Ever After

I spent my childhood outdoors, as much as possible. Making imaginary homes under the pine trees or tucked into a hillside. When the heat became too much to bear, my friends and I would spend long afternoons inside. We would raid my mom’s lingerie stash and dress up. There was a long flowing white gown with a matching robe that was perfect for playing bride. I spent hours imagining what it would be like to get married. Like most girls, I couldn’t wait for some prince charming to sweep me off my feet and live happily ever after.

Austin certainly did sweep me off my feet but the happily ever after part is still working itself out. Don’t get me wrong. We have many moments of happiness. But a good marriage takes a lot of work.

Studies show that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce. For those in Mixed Orientation Marriages, (MOM) only an average of 20% stay together.

Austin came out to me just before our 12th anniversary. That was nearly 11 years ago and we are still together. Not because of cultural or religious obligations. But because we wanted to make it work. Despite the pain, confusion and all the unknowns, we wanted to grow old together.

I’ve been working on a list of ideas. Things that have helped us do more than just survive these past 11 years. And I can’t wait to share these thoughts with you.

But it would all be pointless if I didn’t start here.

With Honesty.

Without honesty, there can be no happily ever after.

Before we were married, Austin struggled to decide whether or not to come out to me. Many he went to for advice said the same thing. That it would be best not to tell me. That it would just make it harder for me.

So we married and I was in complete ignorance. I feel at times that the whole world knew he was queer before I did. My gaydar was nonexistent, thanks to my conservative religious upbringing. I was led to believe that it was impossible for queer people to be Christians. It didn’t enter my mind that anyone around me could possibly be queer.

before

The early years of marriage were quite good. We had lots of fun. Didn’t fight. Traveled the world. I felt seen and loved in ways I never had before. We had a couple of babies. Settled into life. For a while it felt like happily ever after.

But unbeknownst to me, Austin was Bi. That part didn’t go away when he got married, as he had hoped. If he brought it up to a friend or counselor, they still gave the same advise. To not tell me. So he kept it to himself, cordoning off a very real part of who he is. Stuffing it deeper into the closet.

So much energy was being spent on hiding that he didn’t have the energy to truly live. Or love.

Here’s the thing. No matter who you are, how adept you are at stuffing and hiding, it takes its toll. So much energy was being spent on hiding that he didn’t have the energy to truly live. Or love.

Eventually, I picked up that something was wrong. I just didn’t know what. Couldn’t put my finger on it. But I knew that whatever it was, we were in trouble.

after

I’m glad Austin finally decided to come out to me. To bring his whole self to our marriage. But I have to be honest. The weight of hidden truths and in-authenticity grows over time. The cost of honesty grows the longer it goes. It was crushing to realize that the man I thought I had married was not who I had been led to believe he was. Everything we had was built on an illusion. It was a blow to my self-esteem and it tested all of the painstaking work I had done to heal from my own painful past. And now we had 3 little boys to think about. There was no way to just hit the pause button and figure things out.

If you’ve read my blog from the beginning, you will know that we found our way. Bit by bit. But it was difficult. Many straight spouses decide not to stay and I get that.

It’s not easy to realize the person you love the most has been hiding something from you.

I know that Austin had his reasons. But this is not a post about him. This is a post about how those reasons ended up hurting me. How his decision devastated me.

If you are in the closet, wondering whether or not to come out to the person you love, this post is also for you. If you love someone, that person deserves your honesty. They deserve to see the whole you. And you deserve to be able to show them the whole you. It’s true that they could leave you, scattering pieces of your broken heart in the mud. Yet, wouldn’t you rather be seen and loved for who you really are than them loving a fake version of yourself that you have to work so hard to keep up with? If it is meant to be, you will both find your way through and will have a love story of the century.

You must learn to love your whole self before you can truly love others. There is no happily ever after without honesty. Without stepping into wholeness and authenticity. You deserve it. The person you love deserves it too.

to the gatekeepers

My final thoughts are for the larger community, especially religious communities. The shame that keeps people in the closet starts with you. I hate to break it to you, but you are the gatekeepers that lead to much pain. Sometimes broken marriages. Or depression. Sometimes even suicide. There are more mixed-orientation marriages among you than you will ever know. So much unnecessary pain. Hiding. Betrayal.

Imagine, instead, being gatekeepers of authenticity. Honesty. Thriving. Imagine creating a community where no one has to hide a part of themselves in order to be accepted. The love and life that would flow from a place like that just might be enough to heal the broken world.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

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The Beauty of Brokenness and Cracks

I find myself sitting alone in a quiet house. Chilled November air dances through the wind chimes and the almost-bare tree branches wave a few remaining leaves. I sit. Still. Trying to quiet my racing mind.

There is so much to do. I want to jump and tackle it all. Create hope and bring healing. Work in a frenzy till I can cross it all off my list. And then. Then I can sit.

I’m not so good at sitting and resting. At just being. Especially when there is work to be done.

Create hope and bring healing

I recently had the privilege to sit in a circle of women. It was an unusually warm day for November. A gift of golden warmth. We sat in the park, under an open blue sky and gave presence to the slow but steady descent of the sun as it kissed the earth good night.

My heart was heavy. So weary of the division in our nation. The anger. Fighting. Tearing each other apart. Forgetting how to listen. To really see each other.

“How are we gifted,” I asked, “to be of comfort and an inspiration to others in the coming months?” How do we create hope and bring healing?

Because we are broken. Divided. Jobs, friendships, and even lives are being lost.
I want to fix it. Create hope and bring healing. Another perspective that will help.

golden truth

But then one of my friends stopped me in my tracks. She pushed back at my question with her truth that was gold.

In essence, she said she was done. Over it. No more trying to heal and mend others. All that was left now was to be her most authentic self.

I sat. Sunned. Inspired. Relieved. The truth, when it shows up, is surprisingly easy to recognize.

And this is what I heard and recognized. A truth familiar but forgotten.

It is not my job to bring healing. To mend the tears in the fabric of family, friends, community or nation. That is a load not intended for me to carry.

BUT – what is on me, is me. My very own self. To love and care for. Nurture and grow. To find the truth of my own authentic self and step fully into who I am.

I’m going to be honest. To truly live authentically takes all of the energy I have. It takes more courage than attempting to heal everyone else. It is harder work. More painful. Gosh! Most days I’d rather go help someone else heal their pain than examine my own. Ouch. There’s more there than I imagined.

authenticity

Looking back over my life I see that the moments I tried the most and worked the hardest to bring healing to others, were the most exhausting. Futile. Discouraging. Leading to complete and utter burn out.

Yet the moments when I was just being me. Like really ME. Who I truly am. People would come up to me and tell me things about myself that shocked me. Ways I had impacted them without even trying.

Maybe the world only needs what fits through the cracks of a broken soul on its way to wholeness.

So maybe the golden beauty is that when we stop trying to fix the brokenness around us and work instead on our own broken and beautiful selves, the healing we find somehow seeps out through our cracks and finds its way to where it needs to go.

Maybe the world only needs what fits through the cracks of a broken soul on its way to wholeness.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still as passionate about living in a world where all creatures, human and otherwise, can be whole and healthy. I’ve just realized anew that if that is to happen, it will only happen if I am as whole and real as I can be.

So I will take up my space in the room. I will care more fully and gently for the person whose face stares back at me in the mirror. Embrace her and put her shoes on each day. I will be her. Not who other people think she should be. Not who she thinks other people need her to be.

I will do my best to be who I know she needs me to be. Because she is me.

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What the Church Prepared Me For

Growing up in the church, in the 80s and 90s, there was zero visible representation from the *queer community. At least not in any of the half dozen churches I called home during those years. That, combined with the shudders and grimaces that would accompany any discussion of the gay community, I always assumed they were way out there somewhere. In fact, I subconsciously believed that it was impossible for a queer person to be a Christian.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up to the fact that my husband is bi…and my brother is gay.

*not all members of the LGBTQ community identify as “queer” but I use it here because Austin self identifies as queer. It was originally used as a derogatory epithet, so it’s usage should never be assumed.

an impossible reality

The impossible had just become a very real reality.

And it shook me. To the core. The startling reality I suddenly found myself in caused me to question everything. On the one hand, I was dealing with the very real issues of my self-worth and my personal journey through profound brokenness towards wholeness. On the other, there was a crisis of faith that simmered slowly on the back burner. I had to relegate that one to the back burner because suddenly discovering I wasn’t married to a straight person took a lot of energy to process. Many of my early posts share a glimpse into that portion of the journey.

So on the back burner, this pot simmered and brewed. Like the foam that rises to the top of a pot of lentils, the untruths slowly rose to the top where they could be seen and scooped away. Washed down the drain.

the church didn’t prepare me to love

What I found after years of brewing and scooping, of stirring and waiting, was that the church has done a pretty pitiful job of actually loving others. In fact, I will dare to say that the church is pretty good at creating “others”, fine-tuning the art of other-izing. The church didn’t prepare me to love, it prepared me to judge. Us vs. them. It legalized pride, barriers, and condescension. What breaks my heart the most is that it caused people to hide God-given parts of themselves in shame and try to be someone they are not.

It strikes me as odd that the very institution designed to represent the one who died because he loved those on the margins, is often responsible for creating those margins.

Think about it.

The ones who followed all the religious laws perfectly couldn’t stand the teacher from the backwoods town who constantly broke the religious laws.

This teacher seemed to relish sitting in the margins the religious leaders had created.

He became “other” himself rather than other-ize.

The folks on the margins, the ones who weren’t welcomed into the religious establishment, they felt comfortable hanging out with him. Margins disappeared and everyone shared in the experience of being uniquely human.

Beautiful.

Loved.

Worthy.

Us.

Imagine the hope for the world if we could see all of humanity as us.

Just us.

The church didn’t prepare me to love, but Jesus did. As my previously held beliefs collided with my reality, a new way of seeing things was born. As the world slowly softened around the edges once again, I discovered some beautiful things.

Man-made things like borders and margins, they can go away. They are self-protective mechanisms. Only love is ancient and inclusive.

And yes, there are queer Christians. Many of them. I am incredibly blessed to know a few of them. They have shown me a space that is lovely and inclusive.

And yet I also know there are many more who are still in the closet. Hiding. Dying a bit on the inside. Wishing it would be safe to come out. Longing to live authentically. They are your sons and daughters. Brothers and sisters. Your neighbors. Choir directors. Sunday School Teachers. They are us.

The pandemic has given us the gift of pausing our crazy schedules and the mad rush about life. While we long for life to return to normal, maybe there are some “normals” that should never be returned to. Maybe it’s time to replace the need to be right and “holy” with the more urgent need to love.

Maybe we could be a little more like the One we say we follow. The one who didn’t think twice about breaking ancient religious law but was passionate about welcoming everyone to the table.

Everyone.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

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Happy Pride!

June is Pride month. Sparked by the Stonewall Riots in June of 1969, many cities across the US have special activities to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community. But Pride month feels strangely quiet this year. Many parades and events have been canceled due to the pandemic. Racial tensions have sparked protests worldwide and the focus of many has been survival.

Survival. Of the virus. Isolation.

Survival. Of being Black in America.

Survival. Of being Queer. It’s still a thing.

Living colors

Last summer I walked the streets of Pittsburgh in awe as the city came together to celebrate. Moms, Dads, siblings, co-workers, friends. Coming together to support those who were waving their flags and wearing their colors. A living rainbow that is felt even more than it is seen. Unstoppable life. Unquenchable authenticity.

A few weeks later I watched as Austin sat in front of our booth at a local Pride event. He set up a free face painting station and must have painted close to a hundred faces. Rarely stopping from morning until late afternoon.

Queer. Straight. Young. Old. Male. Female. Non-binary. Some wore their pronouns with confidence. Others were still figuring it out. Face after beautiful face, held up to the light, waiting for the brush.

Sometimes those who have suffered repression and hate – but choose life anyway – are the only ones who can show us the light.

My husband painted and passed out glitter. He offered the unstoppable life and light that he had found and accepted the light of others in return.

I just stood there and watched. Toes quivering as the ground shivered from a holy breath that wrapped us all in the breeze.

Sometimes those who have suffered repression and hate – but choose life anyway – are the only ones who can show us the light.

Unquenchable authenticity

I stood in the back of our booth, selling rainbows and unicorns and other fun toys that made people smile. But I kept watching the glow coming from the front, as the light danced and the brush dipped and swirled.

It was as perfect a day as I will ever have. Because I witnessed a space where people did not have to pretend. Authenticity was celebrated. No one was different, only unique. Beautiful. Brave. Real.

If I had to sum up any Pride event in one word, it would have to be “love”.

I grew up in a community that celebrated conformity instead of uniqueness. So I’m still quite taken by the spectacle of unquenchable authenticity. The sheer joy I see in those who have chosen to love and live out of who they are is gloriously scandalous.

Instead of being afraid of them, I find I am drawn in. Because at the core is love. And like the ancient text says, there is no room in love for fear.

If I had to sum up any Pride event in one word, it would have to be “love”.

I close my eyes and try to imagine the whole world this way. The whole of humanity more concerned about being real than about fitting in. Polishing their own lights instead of blocking others. You don’t need to grab the mic or control the stage when you have found your own glorious inner light. You just need to be. Unstoppable life. Unquenchable authenticity. Painted with the purest of love.

New to this site? Read the beginning of my journey here. Feel free to reach out by email here if you need a listening ear or would like to continue this conversation.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Opening the Door

Last week I wrote about the rough patch we hit. Austin, tired of hiding, was slowly coming out to more people. His stomach pains, which had been there for decades, were getting worse. While we had brutally honest conversations, his depression and my anxiety were defining characteristics of this season which lasted the better part of a year. I had days that were okay and days when I was sure it was over.

Looking back, I see several things that were key elements to us moving out of the rough patch and enabling Austin to be the man he was born to be.

A Place for Healing

As long as I have known him, Austin has read and talked about men’s initiation rites and passages. Colonization obliterated centuries of wisdom that once guided indigenous boys on their journey to manhood. In our American culture of the 21st century, we have long cast aside any rituals that were once used to welcome a boy into manhood. In our modernity, we seem to believe that the wisdom of elders is no longer needed and we can become adults on our own. Yet many men (and women) are left floundering, wondering if they have what it takes.

When a friend introduced Austin to The Mankind Project, he was instantly intrigued. They had a spot open in an upcoming New Warrior Training, described on their website as follows –

Take a journey that will fundamentally alter your experience of manhood and the world. Improve every relationship, starting with your relationship to yourself. Show up as the man, husband, partner, father, and brother you were born to be. The New Warrior Training Adventure is a life affirming personal development event, honoring the best in what men have to offer the planet. 

Austin packed his bags and left for the weekend. Neither of us had super high hopes that this would be much different from other weekend retreats or conferences. Yet, when he walked through the door at the end of the weekend, I could see that a thousand pounds had been lifted from his shoulders before he even opened his mouth to speak.

Learning to Breath

I could soon see that much had changed. He no longer hated himself and was finally free to embrace the man he had been born to be. The shame that had long wrapped itself around him was gone. I sensed an opening in his soul, as if he were learning to breath for the first time.

Emotional healing has physical effects as well. He carries himself both lighter and taller these days. And his stomach pains have nearly disappeared.

He also found a freedom to be who he is and not care what others think about him. And that led to the next step of freedom for both of us.

Opening the Closet Door

A few days after that weekend, in the air on our way to a conference, I asked Austin when he planned to come out to everyone. As we talked, we both realized there was no longer any good reason to stay inside the closet – and many compelling reasons to come out. And so began a new era, as he officially came out of the closet to everyone and stopped hiding.

And, while this put us under the spotlight and made us vulnerable as people responded in all kinds of ways, the relief of no longer needing to pretend or hide was incalculable.

Authenticity really is the new beautiful. Queer or not, many of us spend way too much time trying to present ourselves in whichever way we think will get us the most likes. But this kind of living takes so much energy and we have none left to enjoy the life we have, much less be the person we were born to be.

While Austin has no regrets regarding fully coming out, we both realize not everyone has the privilege to do so. Many who are in Conservative families choose to stay hidden because they fear they will be disowned. Some live in countries where they could be imprisoned or put to death if anyone found out their true identity. Some have been married for a long time and fear they will do more damage to their family then they are willing to risk, so they choose to remain hidden.

For those still in hiding

When the air inside the closet
gets stuffy and you struggle
just to breathe,
there is a door that will swing open.
When you are ready.

Those who truly loved you before
will love you still.
And you may be surprised to find
a family you never knew existed.
When you are ready.

A courage you didn’t know was yours
will rise from your chest and
Grow you right out of that tiny space.
To where the dance floor is wide.
When you are ready.

In the meantime
for as long as it takes,
we will sit outside your door.
Close enough so you’re not alone
Until you are ready.

Quiet your restless weary soul.
Until you can hear it whisper.
Until it remembers who you were born to be.
We hold your space for as long as it takes.
Until you are ready.

But if the space is not safe here in the wide open
It’s okay to stay hidden.
We will still hold your place and
Honor your story.
Until the world is ready.



Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Listen to the Suffering

Because my husband chose to marry me, a woman, he can easily pass as straight. And he did, for many years. We settled into our life together, raised our kids and grew our business. Whenever I would bring up the issue of his orientation, he would sort of shrug it off. He was okay with his life. We both worked on our stuff and made great strides toward wholeness. The depression from earlier years diminished and life was almost good. As good as it can be when you are starting a business and raising 3 wild boys in a small house with very little money. But we made it though every crisis that threatened our existence and it felt as if maybe life was almost normal. Whatever that means.

Then, out of the blue, we hit a rough patch. Tired of hiding, Austin started coming out of the closet to more of his close friends. He was always very candid with me about these conversations. While I was grateful to know, I was also puzzled because I sensed depression growing in him again. Something had changed and I couldn’t put my finger on it.

The Painful Truth

The more we talked, the more I began to realize that he hadn’t been as happy all these years as he had led me to believe. Though he said he was fine, things were not always fine.

Once again, I felt the rug being yanked out from beneath me. This time, though, I wasn’t just shocked and scared, I was angry. I had believed him when he said he was doing okay. I trusted and thought we were in a good place. But obviously we were not in a good place if he was feeling miserable.

While my brain knew it was not about me, it still was another blow to my self esteem. The healthy part of my self knows it’s not my job to make him happy and I can’t change his orientation. It just is. But I also feel terrible if my partner is unhappy. It’s pretty hard to be a feeling person and not take it at least a little bit personally.

I was sure this time that we were headed for a divorce. As a big-picture-carry-the-world-on-my-shoulders kind of person, I turned every scenario over in my mind. Who would raise the kids? Who would stay in the house? Would we sell the business? What would I do for a job? On and on my brain churned and my broken heart reshaped itself into tears dripping down my cheeks.

It’s pretty damn hard to see suffering in another and not be able to do a single thing to ease that suffering and bring happiness.

I was still angry too, that he let me think he was happy when he wasn’t.

It’s a weird place to be in – broken because you see the suffering of another and can do nothing but suffer with them. Yet to be so angry you kind of just want to walk out the front door and never look back.

Tired of Hiding

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to lean in and really listen to our suffering. Something began to emerge and slowly make sense as we did this.

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to lean in and really listen to our suffering.

Austin was tired of hiding who he was. He had long reached the place of no longer fighting against who he was or trying to change his orientation. He had accepted his bisexual identity but was still passing as straight. And he was not alone. 26% of bisexual adults are not out to anyone important in their lives, while 54% are out only to a few people.

It takes a heck of a lot of energy to pass as something you are not. There is a longing deep within us that wants others to see us and love us for who we really are. We all get tired of hiding and want to leave our masks and molds at the door and bring our true selves to the table. The dream of finding a place we can both be real and celebrated is in all of us.

Any time we must keep our true self hidden in order to fit in or please the powers that be, we are saying yes to a toxic system.

Any time we must keep our true self hidden in order to fit in or please the powers that be, we are saying yes to a toxic system. One can only survive toxicity for so long before dying from the poison. Rather than die from the inside out, Austin was slowly bringing his whole self to the table.

Receiving the Gift

When someone takes off their mask and shows you their true self, they are offering you a priceless gift.

When I was a child, I loved to give gifts. There was one person I remember, that I could never seem to give a good enough gift to. No matter what I gave or how hard I tried, it was never a cherished gift. It stung my little heart but it also taught me a most valuable lesson. I learned to cherish the gifts I am given and to celebrate the heart that is offering the gift.

Are you able to cherish the gift of authenticity when it is given to you? Or does your religion cause you to argue and debate? Can you accept what you hear without trying to change the gift in some way? Are you able to celebrate the heart that is offering the gift even if it makes you uncomfortable?

I’ve kind of gotten a front row seat at seeing how people respond. Sometimes its beautiful – like the friend and mentor who got up from her seat and wrapped Austin in an embrace after hearing his story.

It can get ugly when people just want to prove how right they are or start hurtful rumors behind our backs.

Sometimes it is awkward when people don’t know what to say.

Sometime there’s a quiet “Me too” whispered back.

The gift of authenticity

So while you may wonder what happened next with us, I want you to sit here in this for a minute. I want you to think about how you receive the gift of authenticity. It’s a dying treasure, swallowed up by a toxic culture. But people around you are tired of hiding and long to be safe enough to show you who they are.

Sadly, some of you will never know the authenticity of those nearest you. There are doors that will always be closed because you have already shown that you are not a safe person.

We need to be safe receptacles for authenticity. We must create safe spaces where people no longer need to hide. If your religion has some folks preferring to hide than be real, maybe you should rethink your religion. If your God can’t love authenticity, maybe you are the one who doesn’t really know your God. When you must argue and convince the other that you are right, you show your own toxicity, along with a fear of authenticity.

It doesn’t need to be this way. There are many who are oh so tired of hiding. We can foster authenticity by living it ourselves and we can dismantle toxicity by being safe people.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.