The good thing about a life turned upside down is the ability to look at yourself from another angle. This pandemic has made it pretty clear who I am and what I need to thrive. While many around me are itching for life to get back to normal, there are aspects of “normal” that I am not yet ready for. Like lots of places to go and big crowds of people.

Call me crazy, but I love being at home. By myself. In the quiet.

My parents say that when I was a baby and we came home from an evening away, they would lay me in my crib and I would look up at the ceiling and kick my legs vigorously, my whole body exuding happiness at being home. Sometimes, when in someone else’s home, I would look up at the ceiling and wail. I knew when I was in my space and when I was in a stranger’s space. When I was home, I knew it in every cell of my body.

I have loved having more time at home, even though I am rarely alone since the rest of the family has been here too. But more home, less away, less people, that is something I need.

an honest confession

The other thing I’m quite okay with is less hugging. I still hug my husband and kids and that’s okay. But I’m just not a huggy person.

Now I’ve probably offended some of my friends because I know a lot of huggy people. Don’t worry, if you are my friend, I will still hug you when I decide I’m done social distancing. It’s just something that rarely comes natural for me. In fact, sometimes it makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve tried to figure out why. Is something wrong with me? Is it my Swiss-German roots showing through after skipping a few generations? Maybe it’s just my personality? Or is it unresolved childhood trauma?

We are fundamentally changed by trauma, not only psychologically, but at the cellular level as well.

Toko-pa Turner

Think about that for a moment. Not only our minds, but the cells of our bodies change as well, when we go through trauma. And while I am not yet able to write about my particular childhood trauma, I know that it has changed me. And I will probably spend the rest of my life working to heal from those wounds.

Good little girls

But here’s the thing that is eating away at me. Little girls (and often boys too) in a strict, faith-based purity culture, are taught to be nice at all costs. They must reciprocate hugs even when they don’t want to. These good little girls must serve and give and then serve some more. Dress a certain way. Walk like this and talk like that. How do they ever learn to have a voice about their own bodies? How do little girls, who are groomed to walk into a room and read it and then make it comfortable for everyone else, how do they ever learn to truly be comfortable in their own skin? Little girls ( and boys) who are taught niceness above authenticity, and are never given the right to say “no” are being set up for trauma and abuse.

I had a wake-up moment one day when I encountered a family who did not make their children gives hugs when it was time to say good-bye. They let the child choose whether or not they wanted to. And when someone was offended, they answered that they wanted their children to grow up knowing they had a voice over their own bodies.

I wonder what the world would look like if little girls (and boys) grew up knowing they had a voice over their own bodies. If they were taught emotional health above being nice. That it’s okay to say no and set boundaries. That being authentic is a good thing.

I think of my own circle of friends. So many beautiful, strong and powerful women – yet each struggles with her own story of trauma and doubts her worth. Many of them, like myself, feel guilty if they say no and struggle to carve out a life that is even a little comfortable for themselves, even though they bend over backwards to make life comfortable for others.

stop being so nice

A while back I wrote about choking on niceness and I want to circle back to that today. Whether you are a parent of small children, or are re-parenting yourself, niceness is not all it’s cracked up to be. Niceness sets you up for trauma. It dulls your senses until you have no idea who you really are anymore.

Niceness is… nice. But easily compromised. Exhausted. Drained dry.

Stop being so nice and try being kind instead. Be kind to yourself, first of all. Because when you are kind to yourself, those traumatized cells just may begin to heal. You won’t find yourself so burned out. Your inner lamp will burn brightly and you will be able to run the marathon. Then you can be who you are meant to be. And teach your little girls and boys to be authentic and kind. We don’t need another generation of nice people.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.