“I’m never going to let anyone make me feel that small again.”
Her words come to mind this morning, as the winter sun taps me on the shoulder. Echos of the warm summer day when I bumped into her and she shared her story. She had just left her partner, a lesbian, who had given her a very hard time for being bi and told her she wasn’t gay enough.
She was done, and rightly so. Love does not question the validity of the other person. It does not put them in a box and make them feel not enough. Love, like summer sunshine, call us to life. It grows us, rather than shrinks us. Love does not make another feel small.
Bi erasure
This is a very common experience for bi folks. Though they make up more than 50% of the LGBTQ+ community, they are often misunderstood. Gays feel they aren’t gay enough. Straights feel they should pass as straight. Both sides question their validity, making them feel small. Like an eraser rubbing back and forth on a blackboard, they receive a lot of pressure and resistance, known as bisexual erasure or bi shaming.
Kyli Rodriguez-Cayro wrote a great article in which she shares 5 myths about bisexuality that she believes contribute to bi erasure.
Myth #1 – Bisexual+ people face less harmful stigma than lesbian or gay people.
Myth #2. Bisexual people are transphobic.
Myth #3. Bi men don’t exist, and are probably just gay.
Myth #4. Bisexual people magically become straight when they’re in a relationship with a heterosexual partner.
Myth #5. Bisexual people are polyamorous.
I’m not going to refute these myths, as she does a fantastic job of doing that in her article. I’m putting these out because I believe she is right. These are myths, yet many people believe they are true. Austin and I have bumped up against many of these personally in relating with people since he came out publicly and it has been painful.
When myths are believed as truths
“Many straight folks don’t get why I had to “come out” if I’m in a straight relationship. They would rather that my orientation not exist in their view of the world. They often can’t reconcile that the Austin they always knew was always Bi.”
“Many religious folks have the same argument except it threatens their view of sexuality and morality. They would prefer that a bisexual would be an immoral person so they could condemn them.”
“When I have come out to gay men a significant number of them have straight up told me that the being bi was a stage for them “too”, implying that there is no such thing. I kind of expected this from older gay men but not from younger gay men.“
“Because I am in a hetero marriage I am most often read as hetero which is why it is important to me to enter queer spaces where I am seen.
Often the term gay is used to name groups or events that encompass bi, lesbian, pan and more. I feel a low key erasure when that happens understanding that the term gay like queer has been used by the whole community. “
~ Austin
Can you see the erasure that happens when this type of pressure comes from all sides? Love does not make another feel small, it believes the best about others. But when myths are believed as truths, the results are painful discrimination.
The effects of bi erasure
Because of this discrimination, bisexuals are some of the most invisible people in the LGBTQ+ community. Unlike gays and lesbians who come out of the closet and are taken at face value, bisexuals have to repeatedly come out, explaining their identity again and again to disbelievers or “myth-believers”. This leaves them at greater risk physically, emotionally and mentally. A greater percentage of them struggle with depression and anxiety. Suicide rates are also higher. Many live in poverty and face alarming health disparities. They are also at greater risk of being victims of sexual violence.
Unlike gays and lesbians who come out of the closet and are taken at face value, bisexuals have to repeatedly come out, explaining their identity again and again to disbelievers or “myth-believers”.
As a whole, our culture has done a lot to erase bisexuals. Whether it is the larger straight community shaming and pressuring them to pass as straight, or the smaller LGBTQ+ community telling them they are not gay enough, we have been a collective weight to shrink them down. We have made them feel small, invisible and unwelcome. That is not okay. Love does not make another feel small. It opens doors to a collective womb that nurtures and grows. Love dismantles myths and embraces truth. Love does not erase.
Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.