New Year’s Eve often finds me perched in my room. Away from the noise and parties. Just me and my thoughts. I sit and ponder the year gone by and listen to hope, as she whispers new lines for the year ahead. Eventually, a word or phrase finds me and I know it is to be my mantra for the coming year.

My word(s) for this year were slower to come, but no less real when they did show up.

Let go.

No way!

You’re kidding, right? I do not like that particular combination of words. Never have. Never will.

They have become synonymous with a certain kind of self-disregard that was subtly held up as God’s ultimate plan and pleasure.

Looking back now it seems clearly twisted. Equating Divine Love with the call to self-sacrifice and personal pain. As if the reason for my existence was to serve others and give up whatever dreams and hopes I may have had for myself.

It has been a long journey to come to a very different realization – that my hopes and dreams and wants are good things. My pleasure mirrors that of the Divine, rather than being in dissonance with it.

And while there is much that could be written about that journey, it would take us off topic. So back to that phrase.

Let Go

Almost as soon as the “what the heck?” thought entered my mind, I was given a picture of what a healthy letting go could look like. Like a stream that branches into two smaller creeks, each being connected to and a vital part of the whole, two things began to separate and lengthen in my mind.

First, honesty. Being honest with myself about what I really want. What I need. Desire. Passion. Longing. It’s a brave and utterly honest look at all I am feeling and needing. Admitting it. Owning it.

Secondly, it’s telling myself that I will be okay, even if I don’t get that thing that I really want and need.

It was a light bulb moment for me. Maybe I was never really able to let go of things in the past because I had not had the courage or permission to wildly feel and be honest about what it is that I wanted. You can’t let go of something you are in denial about. It will own you. Haunt you. Control you.

But raw honesty about all that flows and rumbles through this human body is a beautiful and freeing thing.

Within hours of coming to this realization, I began to have physical symptoms that would later be diagnosed as COVID. As the first aches began to take over my body, I admitted how much I wanted to feel good. How hard I had worked for a very long time to be healthy. To protect my own body and the lives of my friends and neighbors.

Then I told myself that I would be okay even if I did not have those things.

I let go.

And with it I found the courage to look at many more places in my life where fear was holding my fingers tight.

Yes, I want it very much. But yes, I will be okay even if I don’t have it.

2021 is here. and I am practicing letting go.