When Austin first came out to me 11 years ago, I was desperate to find a support group. A safe place to process what I was feeling with others who understood. Because he wasn’t out publicly, I felt I needed to find an anonymous group. So I began to look online for a group that could give me the support I needed, while hiding both my identity and his.

But my search found nothing at all to give me hope of *happiness in a mixed orientation marriage. The only thing I could find at the time was a group for spouses of persons who struggled with unwanted same sex attraction. While the wording and ideology is so problematic, it was the way we both framed it in the early days. We didn’t have the language, knowledge or tools to see it any other way. While I know now how toxic and shame-inducing it was, it was our starting point.

So I dove in. At first, it was a relief. To be able to give words to my story. To break the silence that I had to wrap myself in while in any other space of life. Realizing there were many others with stories like mine was such a relief.

can there be happiness in a mixed orientation marriage?

But after a few months I began to feel despair instead of hope, when logging into the group. Everyone seemed so sad. Even those who were veterans to the group. There was this pervading feeling of heaviness. Like we had all been burdened with something awful that we would have to carry for the rest of our lives. At best, there were some who were making peace with it. But no one was inspiring us to see it as a gift. There were no voices telling us they had weathered the initial storm of pain and confusion and found something beautiful.

It was like no one believed there could be happiness in a mixed orientation marriage. Or beautiful equality. Breathtaking joy.

I began to log on less and less. Until one day I just stopped. By then I had a small handful of people, a few trusted friends, who walked the journey with me. And they were such light and hope. Unspeakable gifts of grace and love. Though most couldn’t personally identify with my pain, they understood emotional health and self-worth. Their love and support enabled me to navigate my way through some of the darkest days of my life.

Sometimes we long for an outer voice to affirm and guide us when it’s already speaking inside of us.

I suppose, though, that I never stopped longing for a more mature voice, soaked in the wisdom of a crone and wrapped in the wrinkles of one who has loved and been loved, to tell me there can be much happiness in a mixed-orientation marriage. And maybe that voice is out there, though I haven’t found it. Instead, I kept digging into my own inner soul work. Finding healing for my own emotional trauma. Fighting for my own mental health. And in that digging, I heard an echo of that voice I longed to hear. Bouncing softly off the walls in the basement of my soul.

Sometimes we long for an outer voice to affirm and guide us when it’s already speaking inside of us. If only we take the time to quiet the external noise long enough to be still and hear it.

hearing the inner voice

One reason Austin and I decided to be public with our journey, is so those who find themselves in a similar situation will know they are not alone. In fact, according to Two Bi Guys Podcast, 84% of bisexuals who are in a committed relationship are with someone of the opposite sex. Only 9% are with someone of the same gender. We also know there are gay guys with straight wives and lesbian women with straight husbands. There are a lot of us out there.

Finding hope and support from stories like ours or support groups you have found is a good thing. But it will do little until you have learned to quiet the external voices and listen to your inner voice.

And while I am happy to be an external voice of the wise crone, telling you that it is possible to be happy in a mixed orientation marriage, here is an important bit of wisdom I’m giving out for free today. Finding hope and support from stories like ours or support groups you have found is a good thing. But it will do little until you have learned to quiet the external voices and listen to your inner voice. Outer validation does little until you have experienced inner validation.

I know that sometimes life gets too dark and muddled to be able to hear or trust anything inside. There are times when nothing makes sense anymore and you are desperate for a voice to break through the fog and give you reassurance.

If you’re in that place, keep holding on. It will get better.

Whether you are in a mixed orientation relationship or not, getting the support you need is important and it starts with you. Your mental health is important. There are safe spaces and wise people out there and finding them is crucial. But it’s also crucial to remember and uncover your own inner voice that is so full of wisdom.

In the meantime, Austin and I are more than willing to let you know that finding happiness in a mixed-orientation marriage is very possible.

Find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon.

*Happiness can be arbitrary but is used here to convey a general feeling of contentment and wholeness.

Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.