Posted on by palmtreemomma

Promises of Love

Soon after I re-entered the dating world, posts and reels began to come across my feed. Promising to provide the magical words to say to keep a potential partner interested. Words to say if they were pulling away and you wanted them back. Words that would tie them to you forever. So that the right person would fall in love with you forever.

These ads all started with an alluring story or a glittering promise. Enough substance to pull me in and make me read to the end of a very long post, only to discover I had to sign up for a course. Or buy a book.

It was all very glittery and compelling. Especially after a particularly disappointing interaction that ended with me being ghosted by a guy I really liked. So I began to question who I was and how I was showing up. I didn’t know what I was doing. The dating world I discovered in my 50s was not at all like it was in my 20s. And here were all these experts who had a magical answer. A golden key to quickly help me find the person I was looking for.

Magical words

I confess I even broke down. Bought a book in the middle of a long night when I couldn’t sleep. Read the whole thing. Only to find more promises if I bought a few more books. Without giving me the magical words the author had so clearly promised in the beginning.

I was a lot more skeptical after that. Decided I wasn’t going to spend any more money on false promises. Dated a couple more guys and suddenly I was very glad there weren’t any magical words in that first book. Because all it took was a little time and one guy who had a lot more character for me to realize that all the ones who had let me down were clearly not the ones for me. And if I had taken the advice of all those expensive love advisors, I would have ended up with the wrong person. Not to mention an empty bank account.

True love

Here is what I discovered about love. When you have gone on a healing journey and love the person you have become. Let go of the past and forgiven those who wronged you. When you are truly standing in wholeness and are living in authenticity, finding love is not an exhausting mind game. You don’t have to present yourself just right. Or find magical words to say. You will naturally attract the right person to you.

And the right person will fall in love with the real person you are, without even trying.

This is not to say that there’s not good advice out there. Or that it doesn’t matter how you present yourself. But today’s dating culture is furiously full of mind games. And there are lots of traps along the way. That cost time and money and slowly chip away at your confidence.

It doesn’t have to be this way. If you are one of the brave ones who has put yourself back out there, I want to encourage you that there is hope. You can buy books and sign up for magical love classes but beware of anything that promises an easy path to love. Or makes you play a part in a mind game.

Attracting love

Focus, instead, on becoming the person you want to be. Build a life that sustains you. Learn how to feed your own hunger and dry your own tears. Embrace who you are with love and tenderness. Dig deep into healing. Do the hard work of becoming the best version of yourself. And keep doing it, no matter how many people swipe right or left on you. Be willing to wait for one who checks all the boxes. Don’t settle for crumbs when you deserve a whole feast.

And if you’re left hanging.

Alone.

Again.

Let them go. You will never have to beg the right one to come back.

The right one will love you effortlessly. And you will find a kind of magic that defies logic and heals all the tired scars in your beautiful soul that you have mended and tended to for all those years on your own. The right one won’t keep you up at night, wondering how you should respond or feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. You will be able to relax fully into who you already are.

Because the right person will fall in love with the real person you are, without even trying.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Two Things

I was talking with a friend recently about her husband’s betrayal and realized again how two things can be true at the same time. I don’t know if you have ever experienced this type of betrayal or not. But if you have, perhaps you felt like I did. That you must not have truly been loved. Or valued.

For me, the betrayal made me question everything good that I had ever believed we had in the relationship. Made me doubt that I had ever been loved. Made all the good memories nearly unbelievable. Undermined every single aspect of our relationship.

But somewhere along the way, I had the realization that two things can be true at the same time. You can be truly loved by someone and betrayed by them. Your partner can be genuinely attracted to you and attracted to someone else at the same time.

two things can be true at the same time

We are not all wired the same way. For some of us, this concept just does not make sense. And we would rather cheat on our own self then cheat on our partner. We find it more palatable to sacrifice pieces of our own self and our happiness, rather than disappoint or hurt the other person.

Which leads to another hard truth that I have had to admit to myself.

I cheated on my self before I was ever cheated on.

cheating on myself

Let me say that again for all those in the back who didn’t catch it the first time.

I cheated on my self before I was ever cheated on.

What I mean by this is that I was not true to my own self long before my partner was not true to me. Looking back from this vantage point, it’s so easy to see. How many times I sacrificed good and necessary parts of myself because I wanted to make my partner happy. Wanted him to have a life where he could thrive. Because I believed that love and sacrifice were synonymous. That love cost everything and was, in many ways, painful.

Which leads down a rabbit hole of religious trauma and a god who brings pain and asks so much of me that I loose my will to live. But we are not going down that rabbit hole today.

My point is, I betrayed myself before I was betrayed. Because I thought that is what love it about. Completely abandoning myself for the sake of another. And in reconciling all of these painful truths, I realized that two things can be true at once.

duality

He cheated on me and broke my heart. And I cheated on myself.

He betrayed me. And he loved me.

He wanted to be with me. And he wanted to be with someone else.

He was with someone else. And it had nothing to do with any lack within me.

The list could go on and on. But I hope you get the point. And, if you are struggling with a betrayal of some kind, I hope it is helpful to you to realize that two things can be true at the same time.

It has helped me to let go. Relax the corners of my mind that like to hold on to certainty and logic. That fixate on one aspect and cannot see anything else. I’m learning to relax into the flow of life instead. Without having to understand everything. Or control outcomes. Because my new vantage point has given me the beautiful perspective of a new start. One that has given me the opportunity to build a life that is true to who I am. One where I am committed to never betraying my self again. A life that is true to the core of who I am. So I can be all I am meant to be

So I acknowledge the strange duality that has made itself known to me. While relaxing into the ancient wisdom of my body and learning new ways of being in the world. Handcrafting a life that honors all the things this body craves and needs to flourish.

Want to hear more? You can also find me on Instagram @maritajmiller and Facebook Beyond The Cocoon. Drop me a line if you want to be added to my email list.