Posted on by palmtreemomma

When Your Lips Leak Silence

Your silence speaks sharply
while echoing in the quiet
empty spaces where friendship
once used to exist.
Laughter and kindness bumped into each other
in this place
I thought I belonged
but maybe I was wrong.
I wonder – did you ever truly value me
at all?
I am still
the same person I was then.

Does cracking open the polished veneer
and giving you a vulnerable look at the tender
undo the respect
you once had for me?
I do not understand this distance,
like an unspoken sigh
long held back
has escaped your lips
while I hear what you don’t say
more than what you say.
It feels like judgement.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

I don’t need you to agree with me but please
I just want you to see me,
acknowledge the pain
that has ripped and remade me.
I don’t need you to validate me
or my journey because
that has already been done
by the only one that matters.
I myself love myself and can finally
embrace my story
and all the pain
and the glory.
So, no, I do not need you to affirm
my story
but please
acknowledge my vulnerability.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

You have seen my soul naked and bare,
the wrappings and trappings
ripped off as
I stood there alone
in my corner while
your silence held me there.
I felt the aloneness
more than you intended,
I am sure,
but I am not here to judge
your intent.
I am here so that you can hear a story
that is deeper than myself and
wider than all of humanity.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

Your silence renders me invisible
in the circle of all
who are like you.
I wonder why you hold so tight
to a circle of those
who are like you?
In a universe of unique
and breathtaking diversity where
not one snowflake is alike – so
why oh why
do you clutch your molds
and cookie cutters
and push them into the hearts
of the vulnerable?

I won’t let you mold
my heart into
the perfectly shaped thing
you want it to be
because I will be me.
Even when your silence feels like judgment
I know my heart and my story
and the journey it has taken me
to get to this place.
I know my value and hold it close while
I close my eyes and sway to the tune
of an ancient melody
you may not hear.
I hold my worth with one hand to my heart
while with the other I hold back
the flow of silence and
I listen to what is worth hearing
instead.
I turn my face towards the
sound of love
for a vulnerable heart
is keenly tuned
to this sound that those speaking judgement
will never hear.

There is a space
in a new place
for me
where love and kindness
bump into each other.
Where scars are tenderly kissed and
honor is given
to the story long held back.
Here the tears can flow and its okay to show
all that I once held secret behind those closed doors.
Authenticity is the new beautiful here
in this gorgeous space where
masks and molds are left at the door
and my soul is finally seen for what it is.

When your lips leak silence my heart bleeds tears.

Yet your silence no longer
holds me in place.
The breeze has whispered
and blows soft
on wings that are ready.
We rise and we fly
the vulnerable and I.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

A Necessary Shattering

That which seems to have twisted your life or personality for the worst is the very thing that will heal you and give you meaning.

Thomas Moore ~ Dark Night of the Soul

I wrote this quote in my journal during the early days. When Austin first came out to me, everything was so raw and full of pain. I struggled to reconcile what this meant for my marriage, my faith and my own self esteem. While these words gave me a bit of hope, I felt more despair and disappointment than anything in those early days.

Nearly a decade later, I can look back and see the truth in Thomas Moore’s words. The things that twisted my life and nearly broke me have become agents of healing and truly have given my life meaning.

But in the moment, when the world has shattered, nothing is as it seems. It’s incredibly hard to believe that anything good can come from this necessary shattering.

A mere puppet

Sometimes the pain resurfaces and catches me off guard. Then I feel as if the tears of a thousand or more drops are there, waiting. That if I were to start the flow, it would never stop. Other times the pain is so sharp and big that it feels I’ve been split down the middle of my soul. It’s all the losses, rolled up in a ball of barbs and nails and glass…Sometimes my soul can only weep in stunned agony as I realize again what these losses have cost me.

A young girl cannot tell when she is consenting to the murder of her soul, when the essence of who she is has been destroyed and a horrible horrible imitation set up instead – one that meets the needs of those around her, with no thoughts to her own because she has no ‘own.’ Given no voice, no space, no privacy in the big scheme of things, no individuality, she has become a mere puppet.

How does one go about reclaiming the original soul – that feminine soulfulness? Is it possible to be emotionally born again?”

Journal entry from the early days

In the blur of those early days after the shattering, I felt like a mere puppet. I knew that I was hungry for something more, desperate for ME to be alive and real. I knew that I was a mere imitation of something deeper and true, even when I did not have the words to sort it out.

My husband had invited me to join him on his journey towards authenticity but I discover that there was no free ride. I had to do my own work. As tired and confused as my soul was, it was also desperately hungry.

The last few weeks I have been writing about the names Queer people choose to help frame their identity. Naming is so important for the LGBTQ+ community as they embrace authenticity. It is equally important for the rest of us to embrace authenticity in our lives.

embracing authenticity

Before I could embrace my own authenticity, I had to figure out who I was. Waking up in a mixed orientation marriage shattered the illusion of life as I thought it was. As utterly painful as this was, it was a necessary shattering. I could then sift through the broken bits and find who I really was. It started with giving myself permission to have thoughts, feelings, dreams and a voice of my own.

It was a shocking revelation that my worth was not in what I did, but in who I was.

The problem was, destructive patterns had long been in motion. As a child, I was noticed and praised when I worked hard, and sacrificed my own wants and needs for someone else. In fact, living a life of sacrifice was held up as a noble cause. When the heart is young, one tends to repeat that which works. This method of getting affirmation soon became a habit.

It was a shocking revelation that my worth was not rooted in what I did, but in who I was. By the time of the shattering, I had spent well over a decade officially volunteering for various organizations. Unofficially, I had served others my whole life. I could fill a book with the acts of services performed and the money given away or never earned. While many of these things I did truly came from my heart and were acts of love, much of it was also born out of “shoulds” and expectations.

Moving back to the US and giving up the noble title of volunteer was shattering in its own way. I felt I had nothing to offer the mainstream market, no job skills or college degree to back me up. The identity of a decade+ was gone and my perceived value along with it.

The gift of the shattering

The first winter after we moved back to the US, I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home. For the first time since high school, I didn’t have a job description or position to fill. I had time and space to be, getting to know myself like never before as I pondered, read, wrote and dreamed. I gave myself permission to rest. Hope began to fill the raw edges as I learned how to be my own best friend. This necessary shattering gave me the gift of being able to see myself – in all of my glory and all of my shadows- so that I could then love that self that had been tucked away beneath a facade of what everyone else thought my life should look like.

Like a worm in a chrysalis, slowly metamorphosing into what it was meant to be all along, I was changing from the inside out.

Becoming your own best friend

While I wish I had a magic formula to share with you, one that guarantees a quick and smooth journey to authenticity, I have discovered it is much too mystical and unique to be bound to a series of steps. Your journey will be as unique as you are. My only piece of advice is to start listening to yourself. Our bodies are incredibly wise and can tell us more than our brain at times. Pay attention to how you feel. If you are doing something your brain tells you is good and right but you consistently feel drained by it, maybe it is not the best thing for you. Give yourself permission to say “no” to things. Take time to step back and work out the things that give you life and energy. Do what it takes to become your own best friend.

My necessary shattering was the catalyst that force start me onto this journey. On the other side of the deepest pain, I found a life that was better than I could have ever imagined.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Embracing Authenticity

Image depicting at a Pride event, holding the lgbtq+ rainbow flag and the trans flag.

We were in God’s womb before we were in our mother’s.

Crafted by unique design, out of a universe of possibilities, we were first birthed in a magical place. Our DNA, physical features, orientation, likes and dislikes, the things that make us fierce and the things that tender us, were all brought together in the kiss of the Divine. Not a mistake nor an accident. While flaming stars danced across the night sky, our pronouns were whispered over us and our authentic self was called into being.

And then we born, and the world gave us its definition of who we are and how to live. Family customs, religious traditions, cultural norms, and expectations showed us the proper way to be. Most of us were taught to be normal instead of authentic and most of us have, sadly, been okay with this. We have forgotten our authentic self.

Naming is sacred

In my last post, I talked about naming and how helpful it was when my husband finally had the language to identify as bisexual. After decades of feeling like a misfit who did not belong anywhere, this gave him a sense of solidity and belongingness. His naming helped me to understand him better as well. We both benefited immensely when he began to embrace and live out of his authentic self.

While I have spent hours unpacking what bisexual means, I think it is important to note that this naming is so important for all queer people. Not only is naming personal, it is sacred.

Each person in the LGBTQ+ community has a name that describes their authentic self in terms of orientation or gender. Lesbian. Gay. Bisexual. Transgender. Queer. Asexual. Gender fluid. Pansexual, The list goes on. For a comprehensive list of names and definitions, click here. Those who are out of the closet have chosen a name that serves to give meaning and shape to the mystery of who they are. These terms are far from being restrictive, rather they give us the language to begin to understand our queer brothers and sisters.

Name Changing

Some have changed their given name as well. Those who identify as gender fluid, for instance, may have changed their name to something that is gender neutral. Transgender people often change their name as well. This is a sacred journey because they have heard whispers of authenticity and are now speaking aloud their authentic self. Rather than hiding behind a curtain of anonymity or pretending to be like everyone else, they are bravely remembering and revealing their authentic self.

I have friends who are parents of transgender children. I’ll be honest – I still sometimes catch myself calling them by their birth name and often the wrong pronoun slips off my tongue. I practice their new names in my head sometimes and there is something sacred about it. It’s bold and beautiful and such a lovely window into their soul, this new called-name that they have chosen. It shows me their strength and uniqueness and something of the fire in their soul.

When the soul remembers its authentic self and bravely shares that with the world, time pauses and the Divine holds its breath before breaking into applause.

My favorite TED Talk of all time was delivered by a transgender woman named Paula. Having spent time as both a man and a woman, she has a unique perspective on what it is like to be a woman. It is brilliant and moving and so good that I made my 3 boys sit down and watch it with me. I think every male in the country needs to watch it. When she gets to the part about her father calling her by her new name for the first time, I cry. Every time.

Paula.

Naming is sacred. When the soul remembers its authentic self and bravely shares that with the world, time pauses and the Divine holds its breath before breaking into applause.

Changing the narrative

Who are we to try and hush the voices bravely telling us who they are? As straight cisgender people, we have no idea what we are talking about when we downplay this need they have for naming their identity.

Whenever the majority decides the narrative for the minority, discrimination and injustice ensue.

The truth of the matter is – as cisgender heterosexuals, the world revolves around our identity so firmly that we never need to call it forth. It’s just there, built into the founding walls and documents of our country. Be it tax forms or restroom doors, we don’t have to even think about it. Straight cisgender is such a normal identity that we forget it’s there.

Whenever the majority decides the narrative for the minority, discrimination and injustice ensue.

It’s time to listen. We could learn so much from those whose voices we have shushed. Those who have heard and honored the call to authenticity are extraordinarily brave. In a world where too many of us are faking some kind of normal, the queer are blazing a trail.

Authenticity is the new beautiful.

Posted on by palmtreemomma

Naming

The human experience is full of mystery. We all have things about us that we don’t fully understand. Language and naming helps us to understand some of the mystery that surrounds us. We go to school and study things we want to understand. We take personality tests or discuss enneagram numbers with friends because we want to understand ourselves better. When we are ill and seek out a doctor, it is often a relief when a diagnosis is given. The simple act of naming the unknown helps to make it less scary and easier to understand.

Naming is personal

In a culture that is obsessed with labels, it is important to realize there is a difference between labeling and naming. Labels have their place. We wouldn’t shop the grocery stores without them. Applied to people, however, labels can be dismissive, harmful, distancing and hurtful. Naming on the other hand, is personal. It allows another to be seen and known for who they are. Naming gives definition with fluidity. It allows for mystery, giving space for the ever-expanding soul and the creative potential for re-naming.

When we see people who are different, our minds automatically want to label them. We tell ourselves it is because we want to understand them better. Yet if we dig deeper, we may find we are looking for a way to box them up and set them aside. Naming is personal; it calls out to us to see another as they are and not avert our gaze or push aside. It gives parameters for understanding and so much more.

Identity & Naming

For years Austin struggled to identify and name a core part of his identity. He knew he was different from other boys yet did not have the language to articulate it. Even when he came out to me, decades later in life, he did not have the words to name it. When he was finally able to name the things that made him who he was, the relief was palpable. When Austin identified as bisexual, it finally gave us the language to begin to unpack the mystery and the questions.

Bisexual – one whose attractions are not limited to one gender. Pansexual, Queer, and Fluid are used interchangeably by some but not all. I won’t take the time here to dig into each of these terms, but this article does a good job if you want to know more.

Identifying as bisexual has given him a sense of belonging somewhere, after decades of feeling like a misfit who does not belong anywhere. Naming is personal and this naming has helped me to understand him better as well. It helped me to accept that he is genuinely attracted to me, yet continues to have other attractions. Hearing the stories of others who identify as bi, has helped us both realize this is much more common than we imagined.

Bisexual Facts

Bisexuals are the largest group within the LGBTQ+ community, with about 50% of all the people in this community identifying as bi. Despite this fact, they are often the least accepted group in the rainbow community. Straight folks tend to label them as gay. Those who are gay sometimes tell bi folk that they are not gay enough, subjecting them to bi shaming, which I will talk more about another day.

This skepticism from both sides has left bi folks at higher risk of depression and suicide. In fact, 40% of bi high school students have seriously contemplated suicide. They are also at higher risk for sexual assault and violence.

Bisexuals are much more hidden than many others within the queer community. 26% of adult bisexuals are not out to anyone important in their lives compared to the 4% of gays and lesbians who would say the same thing. 88% are in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and can pass for being straight. Many never come out because it’s easier to pass than to deal with the misunderstanding and hate.

A person can name themselves as bi simply on the basis of being attracted to more than one gender. This does not mean they have had sex with more than one gender, nor does it mean they need to be sexually policed and questioned about their sex life. Some people think that being bi means that there is a threesome going on. These folks most likely got their bi education from porn, not reality.

Bi people can be just as committed in a relationship as anyone from any other orientation. The naming is about what genders they are attracted to, not who they are having sex with.

Choosing Names

You may have noticed I use the word queer, along with the acronymn LGBTQ+. I choose these two names because they are meant to be inclusive of all who do not identify as straight or cis-gender. LGBTQ+ can be a bit bulky in sentences so sometimes I use queer. While there are some who find this word offensive (and I am sorry for that but hear me out), it would be offensive to my partner, who is bi, if I used the word gay because that is not a name that fits him.

Historically Queer was a derogatory word, but some within the LGBTQ+ community have chosen to reclaim the word and celebrate its inclusiveness. While LGB are all names for sexuality, queer can also encompass gender identification and more. It is important to give voice and recognition to all who are part of the rainbow community. When my husband names himself as bi and queer, he does it with pride and so will I.

Be an Ally

The bi community needs more allies. Here are some things you can do.

Believe that bi people exist. Don’t shame or erase them. There is a reason so many bi folks are still in the closet. Be a safe place. If someone shares their bi identity with you, honor it. Naming is personal; never respond in a way that seeks to erase who they are. They are not confused and this is not just a phase.

Don’t assume infidelity, assume a big beautiful heart that has a greater capacity to love all people. Do not pressure them into passing as straight; it invalidates the pain they have already endured, as well as the beauty that makes up the mystery of who they are. Don’t ask questions that attempt to police their sexuality.

Instead of spreading rumors that hurt and perpetuate biphobia, let bi people speak their truth and tell their stories. Do your own research and read up on the topic. GLADD has a great resource guide here that is very helpful. Most of all, remember that you can’t love with arms wide open if you are holding on to judgement. Love widely.


Click on the button above to send me an email and I will let you know when new posts are up! If you or someone you love is in the closet, or if you are struggling with your own guttural grief and need someone to talk to, email me. I may not have time to answer you but I will read it and hold you in my heart.